I prayed for so many years for this - God has faithfully heard and answered those cries to him. And he has given abundantly more than we could have imagined!
Life couldn't be better. Right!?
When I had my twins I found that first year harder than I could have imagined. I did not know my body was capable of surviving that level of sleep deprivation! When you are tired - and I mean really tired - everything is harder. Simple things become a huge effort, conversation for one. Spare time no longer existed. I could not easily leave the house. Maintaining a relationship with God was hard. People kept telling me how wonderful it must be and how happy I must feel - which of course it was and I did - but mixed in with such sweetness, almost immediately came the struggle with bitterness.
How come it was so hard for me? Why didn't my babies sleep? Why had God let us struggle so much to face even more struggle? Why couldn't I get to just savour this time like the other mothers did? Why wasn't it the idyllic situation I had always imagined?
But the worst was the feeling that no one else understood how hard it was and the struggle not to become bitter against those who offered advice without entering into the struggle (almost everyone!)
After 2 years I know that this too was Gods will for us! I still have a lot of maturing to do - a lot more to learn! I need refining a massive amount - so I needed to be chucked in the fire!
... And just when I'm starting to get back to normal - it starts again!
You'd think I'd have been ready this time though right?
At first I was, but then God turned up the heat by adding in some issues that meant I couldn't manage on my own and night times are even worse than they were with twins!
So here is the issue...
I keep trusting in myself.
I keep trying to do this in my own strength - so God in his loving Kindness keeps making sure that I can't.
I'm finding maintaining my relationship with God almost impossibly hard. I'm finding maintaining any meaningful Christian community virtually impossible. No time to read, listen to sermons (or the brain capacity to digest them if I did) or pray in a way that I can engage and really listen. No time to even talk with my husband about these things. I'm finding this experience lonely.
And again comes the battle with bitterness. I thought I'd won it. But I was wrong.
I have seen in my heart greater selfishness than I thought possible. And a pride mountain impossibly to topple.
... Except there is still grace for me in this.
I have lost sight of my greatest treasure. Not my sons. Jesus.
Lord you are so faithful. You hold on to me still. Lord set my eyes back on Jesus. Help me love you first. Make me like you. Transform me by your spirit. Anything less leaves me without hope. Lord let my boys see that you are my treasure and please become theirs. Let them pursue you relentlessly, with perseverance, not letting go until you bless them.
Make me a godly mother. I cannot do this only you are able.
