The twins have arrived

The twins are now a week old.  Their arrival has hit us like a ton of bricks.  Of course I keep looking at them and pinching myself and thanking God for his graciousness but this is by far and without doubt the hardest thing me and my husband have ever faced.  I did not know that the human body could survive on such small amounts of sleep. Then there is the worrying.  Our babies have had a few issues which have made it worse.  Trusting God has never been so tangibly necessary or harder to do being so tired.  So far my husband and I have not had our mini breakdowns at the same time so we have been able to support one another, reminding each other of our progressive sanctification and what God might be teaching us.
We have needed a lot of help, this has been good for killing pride, I look a mess and have had to admit I can't do this alone.  I have been particularly overwhelmed by the support of a friend who has twins and is pregnant again.  She has been checking in on me daily and has been offering advice reassurance and encouragement.  She even offered to come overnight to help.  I had no idea how hard it was for them when they had twins, I didn't stop to think.  I was most likely thinking about myself wishing I was in their position.  It's true Gods timing is perfect, there is no way we had the spiritual maturity to be parents of twins before infertility. So I've had to repent to God and maybe to people about my attitude when others had babies. I did not do Philippians 2. I did not support them well and I even judged some for finding it so hard and not seeming to appreciate it enough. This is to my shame. Tonight has been better, no doubt because of the Lord responding to our prayers and the prayers of our Christian community. I currently have 2 sleeping babies laying on my knee in bed after a 4 am snack for them and daddy is thankfully sleeping too as he has been generously been taking the settling down, nappy change and top up feeding shifts and letting me get some sleep for an hour or so while he deals with the screaming. Thank you Jesus for these boys and thank you for your work of making us more like you. way

Our babies at 16 weeks

Testimony part 2

This process spanned a period of five and a half years and whilst the physical aspects were difficult at times, the real difficulty has been both the emotional and spiritual challenges.

Infertility feels like a kind of grief that only grows stronger as time passes, for someone you haven’t even met yet, and may never get to meet.  Many of the things we have learned over this time has been through going to God in pain and desperately seeking him for answers about our situation.  They were not discoveries made easily but every one of them has proved to be true and has been tested in what has been for us the most difficult time of our lives. We have attempted to summarise some of the things God has taught us below:

God is better than…

·         It is easy to feel like a failure without children, feeling like your life is on hold or that there is a lack of purpose but that assumes that children are the thing that gives your life meaning. Over time it was reinforced to us that God is the One who gives our life meaning. God is the goal of our lives, not children or anything else. In Genesis 15, when Abraham is concerned about not having a son, one of the things God tells him is: “I am your reward”. By His grace, we get God. He is the reward and is a far better reward than anything else we could want.

·         God reminded us repeatedly over the last 5 and half years that His plan is better than ours. When God’s plan doesn’t match up with what we had planned for ourselves (which is often the case) we need to remember that His plan is better! God is good, He only gives good gifts. We might not view certain things as “good” at the time, but that is only because we don’t have all the information. From God’s eternal perspective, He is working for His glory and our good, all the time. He is more committed to what is good for us than we are!

·         We know that God is able to do all things, but even if he doesn’t, He is still worthy of worship. This is a difficult lesson to learn because it is relatively easy to worship God when things are going well. God could have allowed us to conceive a child at any time over the last few years, but he didn’t. Would we still worship Him? The key issue is understanding that we are worshipping God because he is worthy of our worship, not because of what He can do for us. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are about to be thrown into the fiery furnace and they say that God is able to save them, but even if he doesn’t, they will still not bow down and worship idols. This idea of God being able to change things, but He is worthy of our worship “even if he doesn’t”, became a powerful lesson that we learned during this period.

Why is God allowing this?

At many points during our period of infertility, we would find ourselves wondering why God was allowing it to happen. Again, God used this to teach us about himself.

·         God reminded us that He is in control. God opens and closes the womb. God can do whatever he wants. We felt out of control but in reality, it just showed us that we are all always out of control. Any control we think we have in our lives is an illusion. We are totally dependant on Him.

·         It is easy to start thinking that God is punishing us for something by withholding children. We had to repeatedly remember the cross – that God doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve (Romans 5:8) and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). God is not punishing me because Jesus has taken the punishment I deserve.

·         God’s plan for us is that we become more like Jesus. Everything is working towards that goal. Romans 8:29 says that we have been predestined to be conformed to the image of the Son. Everything God is doing is to make us more like Jesus. In John 11 we read that Jesus delayed going to Lazarus and Lazarus died. Jesus says that Lazarus’ death happened so that they/we would believe in Jesus. God sometimes delays out of love because the best thing for us is seeing more of God.

·         In 2 Corinthians 15 Paul pleads with God to take away his ‘thorn in the flesh’ but instead of taking it away God says that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Gods plan for us as Christians is far bigger than comfort. His plan is that we would become more like Jesus and God uses all of the circumstances of our lives to that end.

·         It is hard not knowing if God will ever answer your prayers. You know that you are supposed to have faith but I don’t think you can really know if you have faith until it is tested. Until you have to lean your whole weight on God

Community

Our lives do not take place in isolation; they take place in the context of relationships. Experiencing infertility in community was another area that God used to teach us valuable lessons.

• Watching others experience the blessing that you are desperate for is difficult but God showed us that it is pride that creates most of that difficulty. God taught us humility is rejoicing with others when they are blessed just as much as you would if it was you.  Infertility is very common but because of the sensitive nature of it and the ongoing sense of vulnerability few people choose to share what is going on and, as a result, few people are really aware of the challenges and emotions faced by people suffering with infertility.  This means that people can often be insensitive without meaning to be and this has been another area in which God has tried to cultivate humility in us.

·         We decided early on that if someone were to ask us about this we would tell the truth and try to be open, so those of you who have ever asked us about children know that to be true. We did this not because it was easier to do it, because it wasn’t, but because we believe that is part of what it means to walk in the light.  We have had a number of people who have walked this whole journey with us, who have been praying for us like they were praying for themselves and more.  We have seen a greater glimpse of what true Christian community looks like in this than we ever would have otherwise.  Being open with people has meant that we have closer relationships than we would have otherwise.  Letting others in is hard because it means being vulnerable but we know that this is what the bible means when it tells us to carry one another’s burdens.

In summary we just want to say that God is the purpose of your life. He is the reward. He is the source of satisfaction. He is in control. He can be trusted and He is always working for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. We are grateful that he counted us worthy (because of Jesus) to show himself to us in this. There is no doubt that He carried us through.  When you face difficulties please don’t simply pray that God will change your circumstances, but show you more of himself in them and make you more like Jesus through them.  If you get the thing you want but you miss God then you have missed everything.  Fortunately, God loves us too much to do that.

Now that God has given us the gift of children, please don’t think this is simply a testimony about God answering prayer, though it is certainly not less than that!  We are not simply saying these things now because we finally have what we asked for.  These things are true all the time. They were still true before God answered and they would still be true if he never answered.  We have to trust God just as much now as we did before.  Life with Jesus is dynamic and he is constantly at work, we want to encourage you to press in to him whatever your circumstance and discover that He is your very great reward.

Our testimony

This is an outline of our journey through infertility over the past five and a half years.  We are sharing it for a number of reasons; that others would understand a little more about infertility and be able to support those they know going through it, or take comfort themselves knowing that someone understands, but more than anything else we hope that as we share our experiences of God in the midst of our suffering that you might come to realise as we did the goodness of God in all things and that He, and nothing less than Him, is our very great reward.  The goal of life is God, the gospel, is that you get God, there is no greater gift than the gift of Himself.  We want God to get the glory.

The situation

After a general period of a few years considering it and around four months praying seriously about it, we then began trying .  We had been married for 3 years at this point.  Our main concern was that our children would know God and the confirmation he gave was clear from the bible, again and again that our children would know Him.

We were not ignorant about infertility as I had members of my family who had faced this issue, not least my mam who was told she couldn’t have children (my brother and I are testimony that God hears and answers prayer).  As part of our pre-marital counselling we had been asked how we would respond to it and had considered it then, but if we are honest we didn’t expect it to be an issue we’d have to face.

Most people knew we had intended to start a family at around 3 years of marriage so we made a decision that, while we wouldn’t actively tell people, if they asked we’d tell them the truth.  After a few months of trying and one month where we had really got our hopes up only to be let down, we realised how tough it was already becoming and we shared with a few people so that they could be praying for us.  We knew it could take up to a year even for a perfectly healthy couple to conceive so we kept going.

After a year couples are advised to see a GP which we did and we were referred straight away to the ‘assisted reproduction unit’ at the hospital.  The initial appointments were terrible, not least because pregnancy and infertility were in the same area and waiting times were well over an hour!  However, the doctor was lovely and he referred us for various tests.  My husband had the easy part of this whilst I faced some nasty testing.  All of the tests came back and everything was not only fine but very good.  It is estimated that as many as one in four couples will face a period of infertility of over one year. We were diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’ which accounts for around 20% of all infertility cases.  While on one hand it was great to know we had no obvious problems it also meant that they still didn’t know the problem and likely never would, therefore it couldn’t be treated.  We were set 3 months worth of a fertility drug known as Chlomid designed to boost fertility.

The drugs made me feel fairly nauseous at times and I lost a lot of appetite, struggling to eat at times and so lost some weight.  The drugs didn’t help so we were given a new appointment with the consultant at the hospital.  The consultant had now changed and a new assisted reproduction unit at the hospital had been opened.  We were aware of the IVF (in-Vitro fertilisation) procedure and at this point we had ruled it out on ethical grounds as well as on grounds of the emotional investment it would require.  The doctors suggested we try a procedure called IUI (intra-uterine insemination) so we went away to pray about it before we decided for definite, it would also involve taking more Chlomid, scans and a self administered injection.

We decided to go ahead with the IUI and ended up having four rounds in total, the doctor also added us to the IVF waiting list (which was a year long at the time) in case we changed our mind.  Each IUI cycle failed and each one was harder with more side-effects.  The last planned IUI was early 2009, we had now been struggling with infertility for over 3 years.

We were advised to consider IVF as we had less than a 5% chance of conceiving by this point so we spent time seriously praying about it.  We started with the ethical issues we had initially had based on the fact that embryo’s are often discarded during the process.  As Christians we don’t want to discard a life precious to God, though for many the definition of life comes at different points, for us we considered life to be from the moment of conception.  Our mind was quickly put at ease by the embryologist who agreed to store any unused embryos for us regardless of their quality.  Our remaining issue was with the emotional investment involved and we prayed for around a year about this before feeling happy to go ahead.

Our first attempt was over before it started due to hormone levels.  Our second attempt was changed to an ‘antagonist protocol’ (which I was very pleased about since it was much shorter and had fewer side effects) it was abandoned just before surgery due to a poor response.  We prayed about trying again and went ahead with another round just after Easter 2010.  We went through the whole procedure but sadly the embryos didn’t survive, nor did the embryos we had stored, 6 in total.  Another attempt at the end of the year was also abandoned the day before surgery due to poor response.  The IVF surgery was very painful and I was very apprehensive about going through it again.  After a lot more prayer we felt happy to go ahead with another round which we did just before Easter 2011.

Part 2 tomorrow...

Wahoo!

Its a bit late but...

I just came across this post on Russ Moore's blog, I read his book a few months ago Addopted for life and found it to be the most helpful, more importantly gospel centred, book on issues relating to infertility that I have read.  I really appreciate that someone in a prominent position is speaking about these issues in a sensitive and gospel centred way.  The post is about mothers day, follow the link to read it, remember the infertile on mothers day.


I hope that I can continue to support others who are in the situation we have walked through with Jesus as Russel has.

The six week scan

We had our six week scan two weeks ago.  I am so grateful that they do this for IVF babies because I'm not sure I could have waited 8 weeks like most people have to!  I was hopeful but a little nervous right before we set off, anxious to know that there was a real baby and that it wasn't ectopic.  Having IVF I've had a lot of ultrasound scans (both internal and external) and have seen my uterus a number of times but this would be the first time that we'd see a baby there!

I was so relieved when we saw the pregnancy sack on the screen and saw the tiny heartbeat.  I thought I'd be more suprised when the sonographer then showed us the second baby and tiny heartbeat! Twins!  We had been praying for both embryos since we knew they existed so it didn't seem that suprising to find out that God had answered our prayers for them.  The hospital staff however were suprised by this, UK advice is that only one embryo is replaced at the time both the doctor and embryologist were very happy to replace both, not expecting both to implant and grow!

 The grey smudge at the bottom of the black space on the right we were told was the yolk sack and at the very bottom of the grey smudge is the baby.  You can't see the second baby in this pic.

 This is the giant file of notes we have managed to accumulate over the past four and a half years.

Now we just have to wait a couple of weeks to meet with our midwife.

Amazing grace

Not only has God been gracious in giving us this pregnancy but so far I feel pretty well!  Praise God!

They that wait on the LORD - will be amazed!

The picture tells the story of the past few weeks but just to fill you in...

Two weeks last Wednesday was the end of our two week wait.  I had felt pretty rough on the Monday, usual pre menstual symptoms and experienced a fair bit of pain on the Tuesday, even took pain killers so I was pretty convinced that the IVF had been unsucessful, though I'd been pretty hopeful before that.  I got up on the Wednesday and did the test anyway since the hospital ask you to even if you begin to bleed.  I watched the pink woosh across and form the line as usual... then a second line started to appear!  Very faint at first, I got the instructions back out of the bin, the picture showed even a faint line was a positive!  I shouted my husband and said 'I think there might be two lines!'  We couldn't believe it so he went out and bought two new tests - both positive!!!

We have spent so long imagining that moment we could hardly believe it!  Praise God!

Now another two week wait for a scan to check that everything is progressing as it should be.

Mothers day

Mothers day in the UK was a while ago but I understand it is this Sunday in the USA.  This is a great gospel centred article on Mothers day.  Mothers day can be tough, not just for infertile women but for single women who long for a family too, this is a great way to look at our situations and I can testify that what Wendy describes has been the same lesson the Lord has taught... and is still teaching me.

Spurgeon: What is this very great reward?

A sermon by C H Spurgeon on Gen 15:1

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

We are now in a period of waiting to see if the whole IVF procedure has been successful, or rather whether God has chosen to use this to create and sustain life.  On Wednesday we had two grade B embryos transferred, we left the remaining 3 embryos in culture in an attemt to let them reach the blastocyte stage so they had more chance of survival when frozen.  We found out this morning that those three embryos didn't make it.  The quality of the embryos is similar but slightly less than those transferred last time but we feel much more hopeful.  On transfer day I didn't feel nervous at all, just excited and it was amazing to see our embryos on the microscope screen before transfer.  The best bit about Wednesday was that I'd prayed for a chance to speak to other patients (this is rare because it's such a private situation people usually just talk to their partners and you have curtains around your little area making it very difficult anyway) and we got it, we got to speak to the couple who had been in for egg retrival on Monday with us.  We didn't get as far as talking about Jesus but I was able to reassure her and hopefully make her feel a little less nervous.

So now we just have to wait and see what happens.  A great opportunity to trust God and to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.  I want to press into God just as much in the upcoming weeks as I have done these past few days - more even.  This process forces me to remember the ultimate goal, which is not to have children but to be conformed into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29, Ephesians 1:5).  It is strange, you might think it would work in the opposite way, but God has really answered out prayer that our hope would be in Him, not in this process.  I started feeling dizzy last night so I went back to the ARU today to get checked out, they ruled out the really nasty stuff, did a few tests and think it is likely the high levels of progesterone now in my body.  Hopefully it will pass soon.  So I want to use this time, when I can do little other than sit really still, to get to know more of Him and I hope for any other women in my situation God might be revealling Himself to them also.

The day i've been dreading

Today I had the oocyte removal procedure as part of our IVF schedule.  I have not been looking forward to today at all.  Last time we did IVF I found the procedure extremely painful.  The sedation should have caused amnesia but I remembered everything.  I was understandably nervous about doing this again, plus I'm a total wuss anyway.  We only told a small group of friends about IVF this time, I think we got the balance just right, enough people so that we are well supported and well prayed for and that people get to give God glory for what he is doing but not so many that it adds to the pressure.  People have been good at not asking too many questions but clearly showing they care at the same time.  It has made the process much easier.  These people plus me and my husband were praying that today would go well and that I'd be calm - this was not a possible task in my own strength!  God, as always was so gracious to me.  I was able to be calm and relaxed throughout the procedure and it was fine.  They even let me have my ipod on so I listened to Shane and Shane, perfect music to relax to whilst at the same time keeping your attention on God.  We just have to wait and see what happens now but physically (I think) the worst bit is over.

IVF has begun...

So we started IVF last week.  We had postponed it by a month so that I could have time to prepare well, eat healthy, take exercise but most importantly get solidly grounded in Gods word so that we would go into the process knowing what God was speaking and being attentive to him.  Things never quite work out as you hope but in this case it is entirely down to me being so undisciplined and simply wasting the time.  Up until last weekend I was feeling pretty stressed, I was continuing in my usual routine, praying, reading the bible, talking about God but I was finding it so hard to connect with Him.  Fortunately for me God is gracious and he pursues me!  Thank you Lord!  Since then God has been speaking lots, maybe I'll blog about it if I get chance, the theme is always the same - He is my treasure - He is my great reward!  I am so thankful that he lets me glimpse Him - and I want him to be my pursuit and my focus over these next few weeks and beyond.  There will be times when this process is really hard and I know I literally wont be able to go on in my strength but I know my God is with me.

Sin

I was encouraged and challenged by the section on sin in this article on the joy of infertility . Encouraged because the Lord has highlighted many of these sins in my life as I have struggled with infertility and he has granted me repentance in many areas, so that I feel I am making progress and moving forward. Challenge because of this sin she identified:

Self-righteousness and pride: There I was, thinking I had it all together when the Lord opened my ears to what I was thinking! “Aren't I wonderful by bearing up under this suffering and struggle!” “Aren't I a great example for everyone else!” “Isn't it pathetic how people who've only been trying for six months are making such a fuss; they don't even know what it's like yet. Don't they trust God?” To me, this was almost the worst sin of the lot (not that you can grade sin), because I had started to judge my brothers and sisters, and think I was better than them.

Ouch! Though I don't want to admit it and though I want to down play the significance of it, I have heard some of those thoughts run through my mind. It is shameful to think I might have responded in this way at times.  Clearly I still have a long way to go in becoming like Jesus.

Lord forgive me my pride which is so deep rooted, affecting all parts of my life.  Please continue to expose it.  Please help me put it to death.  Please let me have the same mind as you. Phil 2:1-4

What not to say

I just read a really helpful article by a Christian lady entitled the joy of infertility.  I have included what I believe to be one of the most helpful sections: What not to say!

* “Don't worry; God will bless you with children soon.” There are no promises in Scripture that the Lord will give every woman a child—only that he will work everything for good in our lives (i.e. make us more like Christ).
* “I know someone who went overseas and then fell pregnant/moved to a new area and then fell pregnant”, and so on. Even if this is true, there is no guarantee that it will also happen to your friend. All you're offering is cold comfort.
* “Just stop thinking about it.” This is one of the most useless and sometimes hurtful things you can say. How do you suppose your friend can stop thinking about it? She may be able to for most of the time, but there's a forcible reminder every month! It's even worse if your friend is undergoing fertility treatments because there are reminders every other day via pills, injections, blood tests and so on.
* “Try not to get stressed.” It has been scientifically proven that stress is not a factor in falling pregnant, otherwise anyone having fertility treatment would never fall pregnant. (IVF is very stressful.)
* Don't expect that every time your friend talks about infertility, she wants to cry about it. Sometimes she might, but sometimes she's fine. The way your friend feels will be changing constantly. Try not to pre-empt her feelings; let her tell you what she's feeling this week. The Lord will be working in her through this experience, but even years down the track, bad days pop up.
* Don't quote Scripture at your friend. If she is a mature Christian, she already knows what the Lord is saying to her. If she is a young Christian for whom you're pastorally responsible, this may be another matter. But if you're, say, a mother with five children, perhaps you may not be the best person for this situation.

Other unhelpful comments include “Have you ever thought that the Lord might not want you to have children?” and “Look to Sarah's example”.

I can almost garantee that if you have struggled with infertility for any length of time some of those will resonate with you. I am grateful to the author of the article for articulating some of these things so well.

IVF

All being well I will start medication for a new cycle of IVF in around two weeks time. In all of the time we have been pursuing medical treatment only one IVF cycle has gone as far as embryo creation and transfer. Looking back it was tough but God was so good in it - he so evidently carried us through.
The first hurdle was making the decision to go through the process again. The next are all firmly in Gods hands. Hormone levels, responses, success in egg retreval, embryos forming, embryo replacement, sucessful implantation and pregnancy. But there is always the temptation so try to take control (though any control is really an illusion!) I am going to try to eat healthy, take exercise, reduce stress but I want to do those things to the glory of God knowing that he is in control.

Dangerous distractions

I'm afraid I have been too busy the last couple of weeks to really blog.

What is too busy?

I realised that I have allowed myself to fill up my time to the point that I am not stopping to give God time to really speak, to meditate on his word and let it sink in. I can tell because I don't feel as relaxed, I haven't slept as well. My attitude is different, it is more self absorbed. Pride is big. Sure I am still reading my bible, I am still praying, though admitedly not for as long as I'd like. The majority of the activities I fill up my time with are Christian, bible study, church leaders meeting, church youth group, church meeting, church, church again. Even the social events I attended were with the purpose of building relationships in order to share the gospel, a night out with some colegues from my new job, meeting up with a friend I have been sharing the gospel with, an exercise class with a friend from another church. All those things are great, and good, but none of them is as good as God! That is obvious right? Then why do I allow these things to distract me from the one who I claim to be living for?!

Lord be THE priority in my life. Please save me from filling my time and missing you! Lord don't let me seek you as a means to an end but be the end!
Please grant me repentance and restore to me the joy of abiding in you.

The lens of infertility

Some visitors to this blog may be wondering why so few of the posts seem to actually be about infertility since I set this up to both process my own thoughts and to share my experiences in the hope that I might be able to help others in my situation or those with friends suffering infertility. I guess my answer would be that all of those posts have in some way been influenced by our infertility. It's like when you are thinking of buying a new car, say a blue Ford, there seems to be way more blue Fords on the road than before, you hear more people talking about blue Fords, in reality, things are the same as they were before, it's just you notice more blue Fords because they are on your mind. It's the same way with infertility. It seems like EVERYONE around you is pregnant for starters (I'm in a lull at the moment after the past 3 years of most of my friends having their children *I take that back, I realised I have 5 currently pregnant friends!*) and dealing with that is another post. But it's more than that, it seems that lots of the teaching I hear, what I read all speaks to me about our situation, not least my understanding of God and how it has grown over the past five years. I've called this post the lens of infertility because at first it felt like everything was coloured by that, but I'd like to think that those lenses have been replaced by gospel lenses. I don't view the gospel through my infertility, rather I view infertility (and the rest of life) through the lens of the gospel. Without gospel lenses I can't see clearly and any other lenses only further distort reality. The closer I get to Jesus, the more time I spend in the word the clearer that lens becomes. Thank you Jesus for enabling me to see more clearly.

God or children

I was reading in my one year bible today about Eli the priest and his two dodgy sons

1 Samuel 3:11- 14
"And the LORD said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears about it tingle. At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end. For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons blasphemed God, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’”

OUCH! Full on stuff - why is this so serious? I think it is because Eli put the desires of his sons over what God had said. How can he say that God comes first when he is standing idly by when his sons dishonour Him.
Some might say that it was because Eli loved his sons too much, I'd suggest he loved both them and God too little and himself too much.
Far too often I see situations play out in the lives of people around me where God comes second place to children, with detrimental effect to all involved. This can be true of infertile people too, the desire for children can, if we allow it, become bigger than our desire for God.

The best thing any parent can do for their children is to put God first. I hope I remember that if God chooses to bless us with children.

Ultimate reality

An Excerpt from CS Lewis 'Mere Christianity'

"All sorts of people are fond of repeating the Christian statement that 'God is love.' But they seem not to notice that the words 'God is love' have no real meaning unless God contains at least two Persons. Love is something that one person has for another person. If God was a single person, then before the world was made, He was not love. Of course, what these people mean when they say that God is love is often something quite different: they really mean 'Love is God.' They really mean that our feelings of love, however and wherever they arise, and whatever results they produce, are to be treated with great respect. Perhaps they are: but that is something quite different from what Christians mean by the statement 'God is love.' They believe that the living, dynamic activity of love has been going on in God forever and has created everything else.

And that, by the way, is perhaps the most important difference between Christian and all other religions: that in Christianity God is not a static thing - not even a person - but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance."

I read that quote (or at least part of it) in Timothy Keller's new book 'Kings Cross' (which is excellent!) I love the picture it paints of ultimate reality. Reality is all about God - and I'm invited in, to be part of that reality!

He goes on to say "And now, what does it all matter? It matters more than anything else in the world. The whole dance, or drama, or pattern of this three-Personal life is to be played out in each one of us: or (putting it the other way round) each one of us has got to enter that pattern, take his place in that dance. There is no other way to the happiness for which we were made."

I want to be part of that dance!

What is God like?

This question has come up a lot around me recently. Christians making statements like 'I just couldn't believe in a God that ...', Rob Bell suggesting (through his questions!) that a God that would condemn people to hell can't be good, a local church leader making liberal views of the bible which make God out to be someone who simply pats us on the back as long as we are happy and aren't hurting anyone (that may be an over simplification of the point), a friend was asking the provocative questions at a coffee bar today 'aren't all religions the same?', 'don't religions just have part of the truth?' 'can anyone really know what God is like... and does it really matter?'

Yes we can know God!
Not because we can work him out cleverly but because he has revealed himself to us! Not least in the person and work of Jesus.

Yes it matters
Our view of God really does matter. If we don't believe God has wrath for sin we won't understand the cross and we won't understand grace. We won't understand why the gospel is such good news. If we don't recognise God as sovereign then we will be consumed with worry over those things we can't control, second guessing our actions and playing out all alternatives in our mind in an attempt to have some illusion of control. If we don't believe God is good, we will view suffering as a waste at best. There are a ton of examples but you get the idea...

Some people think that thinking/reason and faith are antithetical. Tim Keller suggests that far from being in opposition faith will inspire thinking and reason can lead to a deepening of faith. Crisis of faith and doubts do not come about through too much thinking... but a lack of thinking. We don't need to be afraid as Christians to question our ideas about God when we come to the bible. We need our ideas to be shaped by God as he reveals himself. As I have said in a previous post, the true God is far better than any idea I can come up with about him. Knowing that I press on to know him more!

God is still God and God is good.

I watched this last year and it had a huge impact on me, I watched it again tonight with a friend.  To hear someone give testimony to the goodness of God in the midst of great suffering is powerful.  Thank you Lord for Zac and the way in this he brings glory to you.

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

... and the new one from Zac's wife. How I long for the day when Jesus wipes away every tear.

A Story | Tears of Hope from Adam Kring on Vimeo.

Control

It's funny how much our ideas of God can grow and mature as we get to know more of him as he has revealed himself.  It doesn't always go smoothly.  It usually goes like this; I read something in the bible I don't like, I brush past it at first but the more I read the more I have to face it.  So I try to excuse it or explain it away, trying to make it fit in with the way I like to think God opperates.  Problem is my view of God is waaay to small.  Don't I want to know who God really is?  What am I afraid of?  I guess we like to think we have things figured out and it's hard when God reveals things in his word that challenge our ideas.  I has this battle with the idea of Gods sovereignty for a long time.  Is God in control or isn't he?  On one hand we want him to be, on the other it means I have no real control - and I like to be in control!  But really do I?  Who is better to be in charge of my life, me or the almighty God of the universe?!  Of course there is the classic struggle with the idea of election and all that goes with it... But at the end of it all, looking at the flow of the bible there is just no denying - God knows what he's doing and he is absolutely in control.  I believe that God is sovereign.

But after wrestling with this idea for so long, I now find it to be solid ground to stand on and a warm blanket around me.  This God excites me.  This God is worthy of worship!  This God saved me when I was still dead in my sin (Col 2:13), while I was still his enemy (Rom 5:10) he drew me to his Son (John 6:44).  Thank you God.  I couldn't understand my experiences over the past few years apart from these truths.  I am so grateful for the way that at just the right time the Lord teaches us just what we need to know, and over these past 5 years I have been reminded that he is both sovereign and good.  He can be trusted.

We need to be careful that we don't try to pin God down to be what we think he is, what is comfortable, what we want him to be, what 'feels' right  but instead we must ask Him to reveal himself through his word and adjust acordingly.  If we don't he is patient, but we will miss out on a richer, deeper knowledge of our God.

Lord I need to know you more than anything else.  Please reveal yourself to me, my family and my community.

God's glory

God is all about God.  He's all about Himself and his glory.  If this was a person we'd be disgusted, call it pure arrogance, but there is nothing better than God, so the best thing for God to be about is God.  Living for God's glory that's what life is about.  There is nothing better.

Out of the depths, O Lord, I cry to You
When I am tempted to despair.
And though I have failed to trust Your promises
You never fail to hear my prayer.
And, if you judge my sin, I'd never stand again.
But, I see mercy in Your hands.

So, more than watchmen for the morning,
I will wait for you, my God.
When my fears come with no warning,
In Your Word I put my trust.
When the harvest time is over,
and I still see no fruit,
I will wait. I will wait for You.

The secret mysteries belong to You.
We only know what You reveal.
And all my questions are unresolved
Don't change the wisdom of Your will.
In every trial and loss,
My hope is in the cross -
Where Your compassions never fail.

So, more than watchmen for the morning,
I will wait for you, my God.
When my fears come with no warning,
In Your Word I put my trust.
When the harvest time is over,
and I still see no fruit,
I will wait. I will wait for You.

(from the Psalms CD, Sovereign Grace Music)

Koinonia

I reconnected with a good friend today.  I've seen her lots over the past year, had plenty of conversations, spent lots of time together socially, had meals together as families, I see her every week at church and we talk, we are in a small group together but it takes more than all of those things to build real fellowship.  Real fellowship requires an intention, to be open and honest, to be vulnerable with one another and most importantly put Jesus at the centre of the relationship.  We have to be willing to speak God's word to one another and pray for one another.  Be willing to ask difficult questions and answer them when asked of us - honestly without holding back.  We have to stick at it when it gets difficult, seeking to serve the other person, not ourselves.  We have to let God use the relationship to shape us and sharpen us.
Maybe we already know that, I know I have done for a number of years now but it's useless to know how fellowship is built if I have no intention of building real fellowship with Christians around me.  Today I made a step in the right direction...

Jesus help me to, in humility, value others above myself not looking to my own interests but to the interests of others.  Lord help me to be willing to be part of your body.

Just seek me

I had a great weekend.  Exhausting but great.  I know God was, is, near.  I think I'm starting to actually listen to what he might be saying.  Because if we are honest it usually goes a bit like this: we ask God to speak, then we wait to hear what we want to hear, and if we don't hear it then we assume God isn't speaking,  I've done it before.  I prayed for a whole year for guidance about my job, then waited for God to guide me to a new one, all the while ignoring the first thing I heard which was to stay where I was!  It would be easy to do the same thing now, maybe I have been.  For the past five years I have prayed so desperately to be a mother and of course I am hoping to hear God's voice reassuring me that he is going to answer, even better when he is going to answer.  I still hope for that of course, but what God has said is this, over and over again: Don't seek me for a child... just seek me.  Thats hard.  But as I am learning infinitely better than anything else God could give, is God himself.  I had a glimpse this weekend that I can do that, seek Him I mean, and be satisfied with Him alone, and so enjoy the blessings he gives in light of that.

Matt 10:37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  This REALLY challenged me.  I don't want to love the blessing of a child more than Jesus!

Lord help me to seek you first!

Faith fleshed out

I feel like I should explain where that last post came from. 

This has been the key thing that God has been teaching me over the past couple of weeks.  The initially energy of the new year is well and truly gone and I'll end up back where I was in December (lacking discipline, feeling lost, lonely and miserable and lacking any tangible hope - because I took my eyes off Jesus, meaning I wasn't looking at him, my head was down, I was simply looking at myself and my circumstance, I wasn't even looking to the needs of others...) If it wasn't for the grace of God.  In his grace he is sustaining me.  He is teaching me that what really counts is faith.  And how can I demonstrate faith if I am trusting in my own strength?  First I need to realise my weakness, not just a passing, need a bit of help for a while weakness but utter and complete weakness.  I nead to learn how to lean my whole weight upon Him.  So I feel weak.  I'm finding it tough.  Feeling confused.  Struggling to find joy and motivation.  I've been looking at the life of Abel, the son of Adam and Eve, what did he do? Not much.  But he goes down in the Hebrews 11 faith hall of fame.  He trusted God, he offered a more sacrifice.  Am I willing to trust God? Completely? I want to.  Faith isn't some wishy washy thing to make me feel better, faith isn't about me.  It pleases God!  So if the goal is faith in Jesus I need to view all of life through that lens, measure success and failure in terms of that.  It changes everything.  And if that is true our infertility gives us an opportunity to demonstrate faith that we wouldn't have otherwise had. 

Faith

Without faith no one can please God.

Lord thank you that you are giving me opportunities to realise my weakness and to trust you.  Please help me to strive towars the goal of faith in you irrespective of circumstance

Straining towards what is ahead

"I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 3

"Isn't it legalistic to memorise scripture be disciplined in reading the bible daily, to attend bible studies...?"
"Not if you are digging for treasure!"

What are you doing to dig for treasure?
When will you dig for treasure?

How I face the difficulties today will shape the person I will be tomorrow.  I don't want to wander aimlessly, I don't wan't to fight as one beating the air - I want to press on to know Jesus to become like Him and be found in Him - Jesus please help me!

Investments

I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll today on repentance and he made a great point that really struck me, we invest so much time and effort into what is going to happen tomorrow, trying to prepare for it, worrying about the future and we forget about eternity.  Investment in eternity is what really counts, that means my sanctification is far more important than my plans for myself.  I need to stop worrying about tomorrow or next year or five years and what may not happen the way I would like and focus on what Jesus is calling me to in this moment.  I can leave the rest to him because he can be trusted.

Discipline and the goodness of God

So the initial energy of the new year has waned already and I am now learning about discipline, keeping on going when its tough because it is good and right to do so!

I've been reminded recently of the reality that time with God and in his word is not just good, it's vital!  Actual food for my soul, without it I'll become weak, ill and without his sustaining power I can't survive.  My life should not be built around squeezing in time with Him but on the knowledge that my whole life is to be found in him.  This changes the way I approach him, it become, as it should be about complete surrender and utter dependance on him.  

The fact is the neccesity for time with God, my utter need of him is no more true as I struggle with infertility than it was before, it's simply that (in this area at least) my illusion of control is taken away - This is a hard but VERY good thing!

As someone more scientifically inclined I am not much of a reader, I enjoy it (if it's a good book) but it requires some effort.  Since reading books takes me a while I tend to exclusively read Christian books, I figure it is the most fruitful use of that time. I have found that there is a directly proportional relationship between how much I read and how well I seem to be doing emotionally and mentally.  It helps me with perspective and helps me to consider things in light of the truth I am learning.

I've been reading a great book for the past couple of weeks called 'Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches'

by Russell D. Moore.  It is hard to know what is good in terms of biblically sound doctrine and theology and I'm particularly wary in this area where I'd be inclined to believe what my heart most wants to hear.  I've read some stuff by C J Mahaney who wrote the forward and I really trust his judgement.  I haven't been dissapointed.  I got the book in kindle format and have been reading it whenever I've had chance! Mostly at the gym! (The kindle app for the ipod is fantastic!).  The book has really just echoed things that God has been teaching me along the way but it has been great to have those things reinforced and it has prompted me to meditate on some things more.  It's not just a book for those considering adoption but for anyone who is a follower of Jesus.  I love the fact that the focus well and truly remains on Jesus throughout and continually highlights his goodness of God to us.  What suffering people need more than anything else including (and sometimes especially more than) an end to their suffering is to see more of Jesus.  I know this to be true and I pray that Jesus might graciously answer our prayers by revealing more of himself to us!

Building good habits

I'm not doing too bad so far this year!  After around six months of struggling increasingly in my relationship with God, knowing some of the things I needed to do (and really trying to do them) but only seeming to get worse, lacking motivation and energy I am, by God's grace walking out of the other side. 

I spent a fair amount of time praying over the holidays and I feel like God is lifting whatever was weighing me down.  I've managed to go a good amount of exercise (physical training is of some benefit!) but more important re-established and built new habits of prayer and bible reading.  I'm trying to get my priorities right and I'm actually getting way more done and still having some free time!  Bible reading and dwelling on what I read is so vital, it literally is my food and with a lack of it I get ill!

As I progress in my life as a Christian I have seen that these seasons can come and all we can do is cling to Jesus, knowing he can carry us to the other side.  I am so graterful to Jesus that he allows me these times and walks with me through them, increasingly revealing more of the father to me.  Sanctification is hard but it is worth it.

1 Timothy 4:8
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

So how did we get here...

The infertility story so far...

Since my mum had been told she could never have children I was under no illusions that concieving wasn't always as easy as people might hope, I knew that on average it could take up to a year.  But of course I'd hoped it wouldn't affect me, I didn't expect it to!  I seemed fine, no medical problems, not like my mum and others I had known who suffered infertility.

We prayed for a long time and pretty intensively for 3 months about whether it was right to try to start trying for a baby.  My biggest concern has always been the salvation of any children we have and we felt strongly that God had been clear that our children would know Him, we took that as the green light!

A month passed, then 2, 3, 4 I think it was around then that we had real hope that we had been successful, we even went to the doctors to have a test done, but it was just an extra long cycle.  Thats when I realised how desperate I was for this.  At 6 months we asked for prayer from a few people about it and at 1 year I went to see my GP who referred us to the specialist at the hospital.

The first few appointments at the hospital were lots of questions and a few examinations, the wait to see the doctor was ridiculous!  I was sent for a couple of scans and a SALP (not nice!) everything came back fine from both sides.  The next option was Clomid tablets for 3 months.

I'm not a fan of Chlomid but it was fine at first, unfortunately it didn't help.  Next stage was IUI.  We prayed a lot about whether to procede and had others doing the same and we felt it was right to procede.  By this time the hospital had a really nice new assisted reproduction unit.  We had four lots of IUI with Chlomid, each time the end result was a bit worse.  Glad I don't have to take it any more!  Another year and a half had past and now the only thing left to consider was IVF.

At the start of the process not knowing much about IVF we assumed we would have ethical issues with it and so said we would not consider it.  After we spoke at length with the embryologist we were satisfied that no embryos (even poor ones) would not be disguarded, they offered to store as many as we wanted and we planned to use all of them.  So the decision really came down to whether we felt this was something that was in God's plan for us.  To be honest we felt it was an open decision, either would be fine, but we wanted to do what was best!

We'd been praying about it for about a year seriously then after the IUI we prayed for about another 6 months before feeling it was right to go ahead, not because we thought the procedure would be our saviour but mainly because we felt that it was something good for us to experience as it would mean we had to rely completely on God and I hoped the experience might mean I could help someone else in the same position one day.  We were clear that our hope was in God not a procedre.  We had a false start due to hormone levels which meant I was switched for the next cycle onto an antagonist protocall.  This was a new regime that works with the body's own hormones and has way less side effects.  It was also shorter so we ended up with the same scan dates as we would have had the previous month!  Unfortunately the cycle had to be abandoned as I didn't respond on the drugs after the first week, though we kept going until the last minute just in case!

Our next attempt came after easter last year, everything went well, everything fine, 8 eggs collected, 6 mature, 6 fertilised! Two replaced, but no pregnancy :-(

Because God is gracious we weren't crushed!  We stored the remaining four embryos but none of them survived to be replaced.

Back to the drawing board and another 6 months to decide if we want to try again (we get 3free IVF cycles on the NHS)

We (much more aprehensively) tried again but had another cycle which had to be abandoned.  That was a few months ago and we are back to the same place we were two years ago.  Do we go through IVF again? Or does God have something else in store?

Trust

Do you trust that what God has for you is better than what you are holding on to?

We talked about this at our life group this week, challenging question.  Right now, I really do feel that I can say with confidence the answer is Yes!

Lord please graciously give me the faith I need to continue to trust you in everything!

My very great reward

I'm reading through the bible in a year (one starting in September, great for teachers as thats when our years run!) today I read Deutoronomy 9, It is reinforced multiple times that what God is doing has nothing to do with Israel's righteousness, infact they are described as stiff necked!  At the start of this journey, dealing with infertility, there's a battle with the mind as it jumps between the conclusion that this is a punishment, that I've done/am doing something wrong and the feeling that I've somehow earned/deserve to be a mother - how ridiculous!  What a total misunderstanding of the gospel (and that is putting it nicely).  I think that it is a natural response, but I am so grateful that God has allowed me to go through this if only for the realisation of what the gospel truly means.


Firtly as a christian I am not punished for my sin, Jesus was and his work is perfect and complete.
Secondly I have done/am doing something wrong - that is why I need Gods grace, I can't hope to change that without him
Thirdly I could never earn anything from God, the gifts he gives he gives because he is gracious - not because I have earned them!


Children are a blessing - I am so glad God has allowed me to see this and even rejoice when he graciously bestows the blessing on others.

To share or not to share

I've been thinking for the past couple of days, I've been thinking again about how much of this we share with friends and/or family.  Near the start of this whole experience we felt it was right to be open about things.

In the bible I read about the church enjoying real deep fellowship, sharing their very lives.  I read about how we are to carry one anothers burdens, how can we do that if we don't share our burdens?  If I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ I can't do that apart from real authentic Christian community.  It was this community that attracted so many to the early church.  But real community is hard.  It is hard because it means we have to make ourselves vulnerable, we have to open ourselves up to potential pain, we also bear the pain of others.  It is scary to be fully known by others.  But it also opens us up to learning more about God, to wonderful friendship and fellowship, encouragement and strengthening, support... I could go on.  In 'the gospel in life' (which I highly recommend) chapter 4 Tim Keller makes a great case and states "You cannot know God fully apart from community".  I do agree.  So do I really have a choice?  Can I really keep all this, my greatest struggle just between me and my husband?  I think I have to ask the question "Why do I want to?"

"If you want to be changed by the gospel you have got to share life together"   Timothy Keller

We started by making the decision that if someone asked us if we were trying to have kids we'd tell the truth, but we wouldn't broadcast it.
After nothing happend after a few months we shared with some Christans we were close to so they could be praying for us.
After 6 months I told my mum - that was awkward to bring up, but she had faced infertility herself and was told she would never have children (I am a miracle and so is my brother) so I knew she'd want to be praying for us.
As the months passed the circle widened as friends would ask and we'd tell them the truth.  (Some great frindships were started or deepened by my willingness to be open in this and I had some great, real conversations with strangers - its suprising what people share when they see you be willing to be vulnerable first)
We felt it was important that in the whole situation God get the glory and we figured he'd get more if more people knew how he was at work in us (and the miracle he'd done if he answered our prayers).
We kept our life group and a few christian friends up to date with our treatments as they progressed and they prayed for us.  It wasn't that hard to share because a lot of the time it was just information, detatched in a way from the intense emotion.  God graciously gave the strength to share and it wasn't that hard.

When we began the process of IVF two years ago we shared with a few and after a false start and an abandoned cycle we pretty much had our whole Christian community praying for us throughout the treatment.  We made sure they knew that our hope was not in the procedure but in God who could choose to use a procedure or not.  The attempt failed but my husband and I were not crushed, the whole thing should have been impossibly hard - but it wasn't.  The doctors seemed suprised at how well we dealt with it, and we weren't simply in denial, we were sad, dissapointed, still longing for children, but not crushed.  I have no doubt that the prayers of the saints played a huge part in that.

... but afterwards it seemed worse because all of those people had to experience the dissapointment too, and in my weaker times I can't face the questions about it.  I love the idea that when God answers, only we will know and we get the joy of sharing that information with just a couple at a time, not as an automatic response two weeks after embryo transfer.

God is walking me out of a difficult few (quite a few!)  months in my relationship with him, in the middle of that time was the loss of some frozen embryos and another false start and another abandoned cycle of IVF.  I hadn't felt up to sharing the last time, we told a very small number at the last minute and kept the information minimal.  We didn't do that after much prayer as we had in the past but as a gut response out of my weakness.  I experienced the difference, the experience was difficult and cold.  Human logic told me it would be easier if I didn't share, but godly wisdom says otherwise.

I guess I am answering my own question here, I am a real verbal proceessor (or a blogging one) but It seems I am so clearly reminded again that my life is actually not about me, it is about Jesus and his glory.  I live in community and pursue it because God says to and he knows what he's talking about.  Real community is not easy but it has to be worth it.  I want to be changed by the gospel, I want to be sanctified, I want to know more of God.  I have to be willing to build real deep community - that's hard, it's messy, but the alternative is settling for less than God's plan for me as a disciple.  So sharing is hard, way harder now than it ever was before but I have just resolved that I am going to do it.  Maybe the sharing is for our benefit, or for the benefit of others or the community as a whole, I'm sure it is for all those reasons.  Jesus help me be willing to put others first and to grow in humility - especially in this area!

New year can be hard

Sometimes a new year can bring new hope, a fresh start, 'this year things will change/improve'.  For couples suffering infertility a new year can also be hard, another year has past and the heart ache has only grown as the desire to be parents stilll isn't realised.  Going into this new year God reminded me of something he said to me close to the start of this experience and again about 3 years in,

"I am your sun and shield, your very great reward"

God is my reward, He is my treasure, he is what I am to desire above all else and He alone can satisfy.  The bible speaks of children being a reward in Psalm 127, but God reminded me again that he is more than enough reward for me.  I have come to realise these past few years that the gospel is this - we get God!  Amazing.

I needed that reminder because the past few months of last year were hard, I haven't been seeking God as I need to in this and have felt the consequence of that.  I do find new year hard, we are caused to reflect on the year past which for us seems marked by pain and failure and we are faced with the same difficult decision that we have for the past two years before: What do we do next?  Do we go for another IVF attempt, do we look into adoption, do we simply wait?  But this year feels different, this is the first year I have felt able to say to God that I'm happy with his time, that if he doesn't answer this year, as hard as it will be, thats OK, because He can be trusted, he cares more about our good than we do.  And that is nothing of me because I have been struggling loads, but a gift from Him, a measure of peace about it.

I know God can be trusted and this year more than anything I need to actually trust him!

Where hope is found

It's a new year so I've decided to do something new - Blog. We'll see how long it lasts but the plan is to journal some of my experiences as we move into our 6th year of facing unexplained infertility.  I hope to share some of the challenges and struggles but most importantly what God is teaching me through this experience.  He is the reason why there can be joy in the midst of this, He is where hope is found.  My hope is that by sharing these things I might be reminded of the goodness of God to me as I continue to face the hardest trial of my life and that others might find comfort and encouragement from my sharing what God is doing in the midst of this.