"I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
Philippians 3
"Isn't it legalistic to memorise scripture be disciplined in reading the bible daily, to attend bible studies...?"
"Not if you are digging for treasure!"
What are you doing to dig for treasure?
When will you dig for treasure?
How I face the difficulties today will shape the person I will be tomorrow. I don't want to wander aimlessly, I don't wan't to fight as one beating the air - I want to press on to know Jesus to become like Him and be found in Him - Jesus please help me!
Monday 31 January 2011
Thursday 20 January 2011
Investments
I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll today on repentance and he made a great point that really struck me, we invest so much time and effort into what is going to happen tomorrow, trying to prepare for it, worrying about the future and we forget about eternity. Investment in eternity is what really counts, that means my sanctification is far more important than my plans for myself. I need to stop worrying about tomorrow or next year or five years and what may not happen the way I would like and focus on what Jesus is calling me to in this moment. I can leave the rest to him because he can be trusted.
Friday 14 January 2011
Discipline and the goodness of God
So the initial energy of the new year has waned already and I am now learning about discipline, keeping on going when its tough because it is good and right to do so!
I've been reminded recently of the reality that time with God and in his word is not just good, it's vital! Actual food for my soul, without it I'll become weak, ill and without his sustaining power I can't survive. My life should not be built around squeezing in time with Him but on the knowledge that my whole life is to be found in him. This changes the way I approach him, it become, as it should be about complete surrender and utter dependance on him.
The fact is the neccesity for time with God, my utter need of him is no more true as I struggle with infertility than it was before, it's simply that (in this area at least) my illusion of control is taken away - This is a hard but VERY good thing!
The fact is the neccesity for time with God, my utter need of him is no more true as I struggle with infertility than it was before, it's simply that (in this area at least) my illusion of control is taken away - This is a hard but VERY good thing!
As someone more scientifically inclined I am not much of a reader, I enjoy it (if it's a good book) but it requires some effort. Since reading books takes me a while I tend to exclusively read Christian books, I figure it is the most fruitful use of that time. I have found that there is a directly proportional relationship between how much I read and how well I seem to be doing emotionally and mentally. It helps me with perspective and helps me to consider things in light of the truth I am learning.
I've been reading a great book for the past couple of weeks called 'Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches'
by Russell D. Moore. It is hard to know what is good in terms of biblically sound doctrine and theology and I'm particularly wary in this area where I'd be inclined to believe what my heart most wants to hear. I've read some stuff by C J Mahaney who wrote the forward and I really trust his judgement. I haven't been dissapointed. I got the book in kindle format and have been reading it whenever I've had chance! Mostly at the gym! (The kindle app for the ipod is fantastic!). The book has really just echoed things that God has been teaching me along the way but it has been great to have those things reinforced and it has prompted me to meditate on some things more. It's not just a book for those considering adoption but for anyone who is a follower of Jesus. I love the fact that the focus well and truly remains on Jesus throughout and continually highlights his goodness of God to us. What suffering people need more than anything else including (and sometimes especially more than) an end to their suffering is to see more of Jesus. I know this to be true and I pray that Jesus might graciously answer our prayers by revealing more of himself to us!
Friday 7 January 2011
Building good habits
I'm not doing too bad so far this year! After around six months of struggling increasingly in my relationship with God, knowing some of the things I needed to do (and really trying to do them) but only seeming to get worse, lacking motivation and energy I am, by God's grace walking out of the other side.
I spent a fair amount of time praying over the holidays and I feel like God is lifting whatever was weighing me down. I've managed to go a good amount of exercise (physical training is of some benefit!) but more important re-established and built new habits of prayer and bible reading. I'm trying to get my priorities right and I'm actually getting way more done and still having some free time! Bible reading and dwelling on what I read is so vital, it literally is my food and with a lack of it I get ill!
As I progress in my life as a Christian I have seen that these seasons can come and all we can do is cling to Jesus, knowing he can carry us to the other side. I am so graterful to Jesus that he allows me these times and walks with me through them, increasingly revealing more of the father to me. Sanctification is hard but it is worth it.
1 Timothy 4:8
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
I spent a fair amount of time praying over the holidays and I feel like God is lifting whatever was weighing me down. I've managed to go a good amount of exercise (physical training is of some benefit!) but more important re-established and built new habits of prayer and bible reading. I'm trying to get my priorities right and I'm actually getting way more done and still having some free time! Bible reading and dwelling on what I read is so vital, it literally is my food and with a lack of it I get ill!
As I progress in my life as a Christian I have seen that these seasons can come and all we can do is cling to Jesus, knowing he can carry us to the other side. I am so graterful to Jesus that he allows me these times and walks with me through them, increasingly revealing more of the father to me. Sanctification is hard but it is worth it.
1 Timothy 4:8
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
Wednesday 5 January 2011
So how did we get here...
The infertility story so far...
Since my mum had been told she could never have children I was under no illusions that concieving wasn't always as easy as people might hope, I knew that on average it could take up to a year. But of course I'd hoped it wouldn't affect me, I didn't expect it to! I seemed fine, no medical problems, not like my mum and others I had known who suffered infertility.
We prayed for a long time and pretty intensively for 3 months about whether it was right to try to start trying for a baby. My biggest concern has always been the salvation of any children we have and we felt strongly that God had been clear that our children would know Him, we took that as the green light!
A month passed, then 2, 3, 4 I think it was around then that we had real hope that we had been successful, we even went to the doctors to have a test done, but it was just an extra long cycle. Thats when I realised how desperate I was for this. At 6 months we asked for prayer from a few people about it and at 1 year I went to see my GP who referred us to the specialist at the hospital.
The first few appointments at the hospital were lots of questions and a few examinations, the wait to see the doctor was ridiculous! I was sent for a couple of scans and a SALP (not nice!) everything came back fine from both sides. The next option was Clomid tablets for 3 months.
I'm not a fan of Chlomid but it was fine at first, unfortunately it didn't help. Next stage was IUI. We prayed a lot about whether to procede and had others doing the same and we felt it was right to procede. By this time the hospital had a really nice new assisted reproduction unit. We had four lots of IUI with Chlomid, each time the end result was a bit worse. Glad I don't have to take it any more! Another year and a half had past and now the only thing left to consider was IVF.
At the start of the process not knowing much about IVF we assumed we would have ethical issues with it and so said we would not consider it. After we spoke at length with the embryologist we were satisfied that no embryos (even poor ones) would not be disguarded, they offered to store as many as we wanted and we planned to use all of them. So the decision really came down to whether we felt this was something that was in God's plan for us. To be honest we felt it was an open decision, either would be fine, but we wanted to do what was best!
We'd been praying about it for about a year seriously then after the IUI we prayed for about another 6 months before feeling it was right to go ahead, not because we thought the procedure would be our saviour but mainly because we felt that it was something good for us to experience as it would mean we had to rely completely on God and I hoped the experience might mean I could help someone else in the same position one day. We were clear that our hope was in God not a procedre. We had a false start due to hormone levels which meant I was switched for the next cycle onto an antagonist protocall. This was a new regime that works with the body's own hormones and has way less side effects. It was also shorter so we ended up with the same scan dates as we would have had the previous month! Unfortunately the cycle had to be abandoned as I didn't respond on the drugs after the first week, though we kept going until the last minute just in case!
Our next attempt came after easter last year, everything went well, everything fine, 8 eggs collected, 6 mature, 6 fertilised! Two replaced, but no pregnancy :-(
Because God is gracious we weren't crushed! We stored the remaining four embryos but none of them survived to be replaced.
Back to the drawing board and another 6 months to decide if we want to try again (we get 3free IVF cycles on the NHS)
We (much more aprehensively) tried again but had another cycle which had to be abandoned. That was a few months ago and we are back to the same place we were two years ago. Do we go through IVF again? Or does God have something else in store?
Since my mum had been told she could never have children I was under no illusions that concieving wasn't always as easy as people might hope, I knew that on average it could take up to a year. But of course I'd hoped it wouldn't affect me, I didn't expect it to! I seemed fine, no medical problems, not like my mum and others I had known who suffered infertility.
We prayed for a long time and pretty intensively for 3 months about whether it was right to try to start trying for a baby. My biggest concern has always been the salvation of any children we have and we felt strongly that God had been clear that our children would know Him, we took that as the green light!
A month passed, then 2, 3, 4 I think it was around then that we had real hope that we had been successful, we even went to the doctors to have a test done, but it was just an extra long cycle. Thats when I realised how desperate I was for this. At 6 months we asked for prayer from a few people about it and at 1 year I went to see my GP who referred us to the specialist at the hospital.
The first few appointments at the hospital were lots of questions and a few examinations, the wait to see the doctor was ridiculous! I was sent for a couple of scans and a SALP (not nice!) everything came back fine from both sides. The next option was Clomid tablets for 3 months.
I'm not a fan of Chlomid but it was fine at first, unfortunately it didn't help. Next stage was IUI. We prayed a lot about whether to procede and had others doing the same and we felt it was right to procede. By this time the hospital had a really nice new assisted reproduction unit. We had four lots of IUI with Chlomid, each time the end result was a bit worse. Glad I don't have to take it any more! Another year and a half had past and now the only thing left to consider was IVF.
At the start of the process not knowing much about IVF we assumed we would have ethical issues with it and so said we would not consider it. After we spoke at length with the embryologist we were satisfied that no embryos (even poor ones) would not be disguarded, they offered to store as many as we wanted and we planned to use all of them. So the decision really came down to whether we felt this was something that was in God's plan for us. To be honest we felt it was an open decision, either would be fine, but we wanted to do what was best!
We'd been praying about it for about a year seriously then after the IUI we prayed for about another 6 months before feeling it was right to go ahead, not because we thought the procedure would be our saviour but mainly because we felt that it was something good for us to experience as it would mean we had to rely completely on God and I hoped the experience might mean I could help someone else in the same position one day. We were clear that our hope was in God not a procedre. We had a false start due to hormone levels which meant I was switched for the next cycle onto an antagonist protocall. This was a new regime that works with the body's own hormones and has way less side effects. It was also shorter so we ended up with the same scan dates as we would have had the previous month! Unfortunately the cycle had to be abandoned as I didn't respond on the drugs after the first week, though we kept going until the last minute just in case!
Our next attempt came after easter last year, everything went well, everything fine, 8 eggs collected, 6 mature, 6 fertilised! Two replaced, but no pregnancy :-(
Because God is gracious we weren't crushed! We stored the remaining four embryos but none of them survived to be replaced.
Back to the drawing board and another 6 months to decide if we want to try again (we get 3free IVF cycles on the NHS)
We (much more aprehensively) tried again but had another cycle which had to be abandoned. That was a few months ago and we are back to the same place we were two years ago. Do we go through IVF again? Or does God have something else in store?
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Trust
Do you trust that what God has for you is better than what you are holding on to?
We talked about this at our life group this week, challenging question. Right now, I really do feel that I can say with confidence the answer is Yes!
Lord please graciously give me the faith I need to continue to trust you in everything!
We talked about this at our life group this week, challenging question. Right now, I really do feel that I can say with confidence the answer is Yes!
Lord please graciously give me the faith I need to continue to trust you in everything!
My very great reward
I'm reading through the bible in a year (one starting in September, great for teachers as thats when our years run!) today I read Deutoronomy 9, It is reinforced multiple times that what God is doing has nothing to do with Israel's righteousness, infact they are described as stiff necked! At the start of this journey, dealing with infertility, there's a battle with the mind as it jumps between the conclusion that this is a punishment, that I've done/am doing something wrong and the feeling that I've somehow earned/deserve to be a mother - how ridiculous! What a total misunderstanding of the gospel (and that is putting it nicely). I think that it is a natural response, but I am so grateful that God has allowed me to go through this if only for the realisation of what the gospel truly means.
Firtly as a christian I am not punished for my sin, Jesus was and his work is perfect and complete.
Secondly I have done/am doing something wrong - that is why I need Gods grace, I can't hope to change that without him
Thirdly I could never earn anything from God, the gifts he gives he gives because he is gracious - not because I have earned them!
Children are a blessing - I am so glad God has allowed me to see this and even rejoice when he graciously bestows the blessing on others.
Firtly as a christian I am not punished for my sin, Jesus was and his work is perfect and complete.
Secondly I have done/am doing something wrong - that is why I need Gods grace, I can't hope to change that without him
Thirdly I could never earn anything from God, the gifts he gives he gives because he is gracious - not because I have earned them!
Children are a blessing - I am so glad God has allowed me to see this and even rejoice when he graciously bestows the blessing on others.
To share or not to share
I've been thinking for the past couple of days, I've been thinking again about how much of this we share with friends and/or family. Near the start of this whole experience we felt it was right to be open about things.
In the bible I read about the church enjoying real deep fellowship, sharing their very lives. I read about how we are to carry one anothers burdens, how can we do that if we don't share our burdens? If I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ I can't do that apart from real authentic Christian community. It was this community that attracted so many to the early church. But real community is hard. It is hard because it means we have to make ourselves vulnerable, we have to open ourselves up to potential pain, we also bear the pain of others. It is scary to be fully known by others. But it also opens us up to learning more about God, to wonderful friendship and fellowship, encouragement and strengthening, support... I could go on. In 'the gospel in life' (which I highly recommend) chapter 4 Tim Keller makes a great case and states "You cannot know God fully apart from community". I do agree. So do I really have a choice? Can I really keep all this, my greatest struggle just between me and my husband? I think I have to ask the question "Why do I want to?"
"If you want to be changed by the gospel you have got to share life together" Timothy Keller
We started by making the decision that if someone asked us if we were trying to have kids we'd tell the truth, but we wouldn't broadcast it.
After nothing happend after a few months we shared with some Christans we were close to so they could be praying for us.
After 6 months I told my mum - that was awkward to bring up, but she had faced infertility herself and was told she would never have children (I am a miracle and so is my brother) so I knew she'd want to be praying for us.
As the months passed the circle widened as friends would ask and we'd tell them the truth. (Some great frindships were started or deepened by my willingness to be open in this and I had some great, real conversations with strangers - its suprising what people share when they see you be willing to be vulnerable first)
We felt it was important that in the whole situation God get the glory and we figured he'd get more if more people knew how he was at work in us (and the miracle he'd done if he answered our prayers).
We kept our life group and a few christian friends up to date with our treatments as they progressed and they prayed for us. It wasn't that hard to share because a lot of the time it was just information, detatched in a way from the intense emotion. God graciously gave the strength to share and it wasn't that hard.
When we began the process of IVF two years ago we shared with a few and after a false start and an abandoned cycle we pretty much had our whole Christian community praying for us throughout the treatment. We made sure they knew that our hope was not in the procedure but in God who could choose to use a procedure or not. The attempt failed but my husband and I were not crushed, the whole thing should have been impossibly hard - but it wasn't. The doctors seemed suprised at how well we dealt with it, and we weren't simply in denial, we were sad, dissapointed, still longing for children, but not crushed. I have no doubt that the prayers of the saints played a huge part in that.
... but afterwards it seemed worse because all of those people had to experience the dissapointment too, and in my weaker times I can't face the questions about it. I love the idea that when God answers, only we will know and we get the joy of sharing that information with just a couple at a time, not as an automatic response two weeks after embryo transfer.
God is walking me out of a difficult few (quite a few!) months in my relationship with him, in the middle of that time was the loss of some frozen embryos and another false start and another abandoned cycle of IVF. I hadn't felt up to sharing the last time, we told a very small number at the last minute and kept the information minimal. We didn't do that after much prayer as we had in the past but as a gut response out of my weakness. I experienced the difference, the experience was difficult and cold. Human logic told me it would be easier if I didn't share, but godly wisdom says otherwise.
I guess I am answering my own question here, I am a real verbal proceessor (or a blogging one) but It seems I am so clearly reminded again that my life is actually not about me, it is about Jesus and his glory. I live in community and pursue it because God says to and he knows what he's talking about. Real community is not easy but it has to be worth it. I want to be changed by the gospel, I want to be sanctified, I want to know more of God. I have to be willing to build real deep community - that's hard, it's messy, but the alternative is settling for less than God's plan for me as a disciple. So sharing is hard, way harder now than it ever was before but I have just resolved that I am going to do it. Maybe the sharing is for our benefit, or for the benefit of others or the community as a whole, I'm sure it is for all those reasons. Jesus help me be willing to put others first and to grow in humility - especially in this area!
In the bible I read about the church enjoying real deep fellowship, sharing their very lives. I read about how we are to carry one anothers burdens, how can we do that if we don't share our burdens? If I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ I can't do that apart from real authentic Christian community. It was this community that attracted so many to the early church. But real community is hard. It is hard because it means we have to make ourselves vulnerable, we have to open ourselves up to potential pain, we also bear the pain of others. It is scary to be fully known by others. But it also opens us up to learning more about God, to wonderful friendship and fellowship, encouragement and strengthening, support... I could go on. In 'the gospel in life' (which I highly recommend) chapter 4 Tim Keller makes a great case and states "You cannot know God fully apart from community". I do agree. So do I really have a choice? Can I really keep all this, my greatest struggle just between me and my husband? I think I have to ask the question "Why do I want to?"
"If you want to be changed by the gospel you have got to share life together" Timothy Keller
We started by making the decision that if someone asked us if we were trying to have kids we'd tell the truth, but we wouldn't broadcast it.
After nothing happend after a few months we shared with some Christans we were close to so they could be praying for us.
After 6 months I told my mum - that was awkward to bring up, but she had faced infertility herself and was told she would never have children (I am a miracle and so is my brother) so I knew she'd want to be praying for us.
As the months passed the circle widened as friends would ask and we'd tell them the truth. (Some great frindships were started or deepened by my willingness to be open in this and I had some great, real conversations with strangers - its suprising what people share when they see you be willing to be vulnerable first)
We felt it was important that in the whole situation God get the glory and we figured he'd get more if more people knew how he was at work in us (and the miracle he'd done if he answered our prayers).
We kept our life group and a few christian friends up to date with our treatments as they progressed and they prayed for us. It wasn't that hard to share because a lot of the time it was just information, detatched in a way from the intense emotion. God graciously gave the strength to share and it wasn't that hard.
When we began the process of IVF two years ago we shared with a few and after a false start and an abandoned cycle we pretty much had our whole Christian community praying for us throughout the treatment. We made sure they knew that our hope was not in the procedure but in God who could choose to use a procedure or not. The attempt failed but my husband and I were not crushed, the whole thing should have been impossibly hard - but it wasn't. The doctors seemed suprised at how well we dealt with it, and we weren't simply in denial, we were sad, dissapointed, still longing for children, but not crushed. I have no doubt that the prayers of the saints played a huge part in that.
... but afterwards it seemed worse because all of those people had to experience the dissapointment too, and in my weaker times I can't face the questions about it. I love the idea that when God answers, only we will know and we get the joy of sharing that information with just a couple at a time, not as an automatic response two weeks after embryo transfer.
God is walking me out of a difficult few (quite a few!) months in my relationship with him, in the middle of that time was the loss of some frozen embryos and another false start and another abandoned cycle of IVF. I hadn't felt up to sharing the last time, we told a very small number at the last minute and kept the information minimal. We didn't do that after much prayer as we had in the past but as a gut response out of my weakness. I experienced the difference, the experience was difficult and cold. Human logic told me it would be easier if I didn't share, but godly wisdom says otherwise.
I guess I am answering my own question here, I am a real verbal proceessor (or a blogging one) but It seems I am so clearly reminded again that my life is actually not about me, it is about Jesus and his glory. I live in community and pursue it because God says to and he knows what he's talking about. Real community is not easy but it has to be worth it. I want to be changed by the gospel, I want to be sanctified, I want to know more of God. I have to be willing to build real deep community - that's hard, it's messy, but the alternative is settling for less than God's plan for me as a disciple. So sharing is hard, way harder now than it ever was before but I have just resolved that I am going to do it. Maybe the sharing is for our benefit, or for the benefit of others or the community as a whole, I'm sure it is for all those reasons. Jesus help me be willing to put others first and to grow in humility - especially in this area!
Monday 3 January 2011
New year can be hard
Sometimes a new year can bring new hope, a fresh start, 'this year things will change/improve'. For couples suffering infertility a new year can also be hard, another year has past and the heart ache has only grown as the desire to be parents stilll isn't realised. Going into this new year God reminded me of something he said to me close to the start of this experience and again about 3 years in,
"I am your sun and shield, your very great reward"
God is my reward, He is my treasure, he is what I am to desire above all else and He alone can satisfy. The bible speaks of children being a reward in Psalm 127, but God reminded me again that he is more than enough reward for me. I have come to realise these past few years that the gospel is this - we get God! Amazing.
I needed that reminder because the past few months of last year were hard, I haven't been seeking God as I need to in this and have felt the consequence of that. I do find new year hard, we are caused to reflect on the year past which for us seems marked by pain and failure and we are faced with the same difficult decision that we have for the past two years before: What do we do next? Do we go for another IVF attempt, do we look into adoption, do we simply wait? But this year feels different, this is the first year I have felt able to say to God that I'm happy with his time, that if he doesn't answer this year, as hard as it will be, thats OK, because He can be trusted, he cares more about our good than we do. And that is nothing of me because I have been struggling loads, but a gift from Him, a measure of peace about it.
I know God can be trusted and this year more than anything I need to actually trust him!
"I am your sun and shield, your very great reward"
God is my reward, He is my treasure, he is what I am to desire above all else and He alone can satisfy. The bible speaks of children being a reward in Psalm 127, but God reminded me again that he is more than enough reward for me. I have come to realise these past few years that the gospel is this - we get God! Amazing.
I needed that reminder because the past few months of last year were hard, I haven't been seeking God as I need to in this and have felt the consequence of that. I do find new year hard, we are caused to reflect on the year past which for us seems marked by pain and failure and we are faced with the same difficult decision that we have for the past two years before: What do we do next? Do we go for another IVF attempt, do we look into adoption, do we simply wait? But this year feels different, this is the first year I have felt able to say to God that I'm happy with his time, that if he doesn't answer this year, as hard as it will be, thats OK, because He can be trusted, he cares more about our good than we do. And that is nothing of me because I have been struggling loads, but a gift from Him, a measure of peace about it.
I know God can be trusted and this year more than anything I need to actually trust him!
Where hope is found
It's a new year so I've decided to do something new - Blog. We'll see how long it lasts but the plan is to journal some of my experiences as we move into our 6th year of facing unexplained infertility. I hope to share some of the challenges and struggles but most importantly what God is teaching me through this experience. He is the reason why there can be joy in the midst of this, He is where hope is found. My hope is that by sharing these things I might be reminded of the goodness of God to me as I continue to face the hardest trial of my life and that others might find comfort and encouragement from my sharing what God is doing in the midst of this.
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