Bitter sweet

Unbelievably I now find myself the mother of 3 children - under the age of 3.  

I prayed for so many years for this - God has faithfully heard and answered those cries to him.  And he has given abundantly more than we could have imagined!

Life couldn't be better. Right!?

When I had my twins I found that first year harder than I could have imagined.  I did not know my body was capable of surviving that level of sleep deprivation!  When you are tired - and I mean really tired - everything is harder.  Simple things become a huge effort, conversation for one.  Spare time no longer existed.  I could not easily leave the house.  Maintaining a relationship with God was hard.  People kept telling me how wonderful it must be and how happy I must feel - which of course it was and I did - but mixed in with such sweetness, almost immediately came the struggle with bitterness.

How come it was so hard for me?  Why didn't my babies sleep? Why had God let us struggle so much to face even more struggle?  Why couldn't I get to just savour this time like the other mothers did?  Why wasn't it the idyllic situation I had always imagined?

But the worst was the feeling that no one else understood how hard it was and the struggle not to become bitter against those who offered advice without entering into the struggle (almost everyone!)

After 2 years I know that this too was Gods will for us!  I still have a lot of maturing to do - a lot more to learn!  I need refining a massive amount - so I needed to be chucked in the fire!

... And just when I'm starting to get back to normal - it starts again!

You'd think I'd have been ready this time though right?

At first I was, but then God turned up the heat by adding in some issues that meant I couldn't manage on my own and night times are even worse than they were with twins!

So here is the issue...

I keep trusting in myself.  

I keep trying to do this in my own strength - so God in his loving Kindness keeps making sure that I can't.

I'm finding maintaining my relationship with God almost impossibly hard.  I'm finding maintaining any meaningful Christian community virtually impossible. No time to read, listen to sermons (or the brain capacity to digest them if I did) or pray in a way that I can engage and really listen.  No time to even talk with my husband about these things.  I'm finding this experience lonely.

And again comes the battle with bitterness.  I thought I'd won it.  But I was wrong.

I have seen in my heart greater selfishness than I thought possible.  And a pride mountain impossibly to topple.

... Except there is still grace for me in this.

I have lost sight of my greatest treasure.  Not my sons.  Jesus.

Lord you are so faithful.  You hold on to me still.  Lord set my eyes back on Jesus.  Help me love you first.  Make me like you.  Transform me by your spirit.  Anything less leaves me without hope.  Lord let my boys see that you are my treasure and please become theirs.  Let them pursue you relentlessly, with perseverance, not letting go until you bless them.

Make me a godly mother.  I cannot do this only you are able.

Should Christians use reproductive technologies?

A good well considered article from the Village church in Dallas, Texas helping Christians to think about some of the issues surrounding IVF and other reproductive technologies. These were many of the things we considered in our decision to finally go for IVF. It is worth knowing that the issue of more than two babies implanting would be extremely rare in the UK since one embryo only is recommended and Two are the maximum allowed. Also in the UK Doctors seem to be more concerned with quality than quantity of eggs collected and 8 seems to be a common number. This still gives the potential for 8 embryos. We discussed thoroughly with our embryologist our refusal to discard embryos regardless of quality and they were more than happy to accommodate our request to allow the embryos to develop and store at the ten cell stage (this gives them a better chance of survival), obviously we had committed ourselves to replacing all embryos we had created back into the body also. Our other embryos did not survive as they naturally stopped dividing after four cells but we were happy that they were given the best chance for survival.

http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/should-christians-use-contraceptive-methods-and-reproductive-technologies/

Out of a woman's heart

As I read Marks gospel yesterday, Jesus reminded me;

"There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him."

I've seen in my my thoughts and actions recently attitudes that look nothing like Jesus. Aren't we supposed to look more like him as we mature, I most certainly feel less like him than ever. How is this possible, has the sleep deprivation and the exhaustion of motherhood caused this? No. Jesus tells me that it comes from within me, out of my heart. These attitudes, the propensity for bitterness, selfishness, jealousy are all there in my heart, my circumstance merely provides the opportunity for them to surface. The fact that I hadn't expected it probably just shows that I still haven't comprehended the extent of my own sinfulness. But the more I see my sin, the more I realise my need for grace and the sweeter the gospel becomes. I have been trying to operate too much in my own strength, how could I forget so quickly that apart from him I can do nothing.

Where hope is found.

My blog was originally called 'Where hope is found' I started writing at a very difficult time in my life and I knew that hope, real hope could be found no where else but in Jesus. My need was not to have a baby, therefore my ultimate hope was not simply to become a mother. My need was, and still is, to know more of God and become more like Jesus.

It's funny how now as a mother of 14 month old twins I find myself having to be reminded of the same lessons that I learned during those six years of infertility. It's the times when we feel hard pressed that I find we either drift or press into The Lord and I hope that I can do the latter. I am struggling now. Of course outwardly it is very different than before but the reality is the same as before. The question is this "do I really know and believe that God is truly good and does good?" Do I really trust what Romans 8 tells me?

If I had to sum up the past 14 months in one word it would be this: hard. It has been incredibly hard. It has got easier and now feels manageable but there were times (long periods of time) when I felt overwhelmed and didn't know how I could keep going (mostly due to the severe sleep deprivation!). Some of those old questions about the goodness of Gods plan have been revealed again in me over the past couple of weeks since some of my friends have had babies. I am so happy for them but spending time around them and seeing them able to enjoy those early weeks has actually been really hard. I know that this is simply evidence of the pride and self centredness in my own heart. I have felt a mixture of jealousy and guilt. Guilt that I feel jealous! God has been so gracious to me, how could I even for a second think his gifts to me aren't the best!

I am grateful that God is revealing my heart to me and I pray that he will change it. Working things like this through with him is so much harder now than during infertility. I never would have imagined that but it is most certainly the case. the times with the Lord that would really impact on my life were those times when I would withdraw, just him and me, devoting time to just sit in his presence. That now seems impossible but thank God that he still speaks in all circumstance regardless of me! It's a good job he gave me those six years as I definitely would not have been prepared for this without them.

The gospel is the answer to my current struggles just as it was the answer when I so desperately wanted to be a mother. Thank you Lord for your gospel of grace, please help me show grace to others.

Simply to the cross I cling

Our boys are almost 10 months old! They are an absolute delight and a blessing from the Lord! It is such an honour and privilege to be the ones who get to teach them about Jesus. They are also the biggest challenge I have ever faced and undoubtedly the tool the Lord is using most in my ongoing sanctification! I thought I had faced the everyday challenge of following Jesus before but now it is the same but without the luxury of any time not accounted for (either at work, with the boys or catching up on housework or marking & planning for work) and with severe sleep deprivation having not had a single night of uninterrupted sleep for well over a year and the often overwhelming relentless work there is to do, that I love to do, but at the same time feel the heavy weight of. Thank you Lord that you knew I needed those years to prepare for this and to see trials (at 2,3,4,5,6 am!) as blessings from you, opportunities to become more like Jesus and to trust you as our rock. Lord draw me deeper in to you! I will need to learn these lessons now as I have a feeling the next few years will bring many new challenges. Lord thank you for letting me be a mother. Please bless those women who are waiting and desperately clinging to you, desiring that gift too. Let them see that you are their sun and shield, their very great reward!

The twins have arrived

The twins are now a week old.  Their arrival has hit us like a ton of bricks.  Of course I keep looking at them and pinching myself and thanking God for his graciousness but this is by far and without doubt the hardest thing me and my husband have ever faced.  I did not know that the human body could survive on such small amounts of sleep. Then there is the worrying.  Our babies have had a few issues which have made it worse.  Trusting God has never been so tangibly necessary or harder to do being so tired.  So far my husband and I have not had our mini breakdowns at the same time so we have been able to support one another, reminding each other of our progressive sanctification and what God might be teaching us.
We have needed a lot of help, this has been good for killing pride, I look a mess and have had to admit I can't do this alone.  I have been particularly overwhelmed by the support of a friend who has twins and is pregnant again.  She has been checking in on me daily and has been offering advice reassurance and encouragement.  She even offered to come overnight to help.  I had no idea how hard it was for them when they had twins, I didn't stop to think.  I was most likely thinking about myself wishing I was in their position.  It's true Gods timing is perfect, there is no way we had the spiritual maturity to be parents of twins before infertility. So I've had to repent to God and maybe to people about my attitude when others had babies. I did not do Philippians 2. I did not support them well and I even judged some for finding it so hard and not seeming to appreciate it enough. This is to my shame. Tonight has been better, no doubt because of the Lord responding to our prayers and the prayers of our Christian community. I currently have 2 sleeping babies laying on my knee in bed after a 4 am snack for them and daddy is thankfully sleeping too as he has been generously been taking the settling down, nappy change and top up feeding shifts and letting me get some sleep for an hour or so while he deals with the screaming. Thank you Jesus for these boys and thank you for your work of making us more like you. way

Our babies at 16 weeks