Spurgeon: What is this very great reward?

A sermon by C H Spurgeon on Gen 15:1

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

We are now in a period of waiting to see if the whole IVF procedure has been successful, or rather whether God has chosen to use this to create and sustain life.  On Wednesday we had two grade B embryos transferred, we left the remaining 3 embryos in culture in an attemt to let them reach the blastocyte stage so they had more chance of survival when frozen.  We found out this morning that those three embryos didn't make it.  The quality of the embryos is similar but slightly less than those transferred last time but we feel much more hopeful.  On transfer day I didn't feel nervous at all, just excited and it was amazing to see our embryos on the microscope screen before transfer.  The best bit about Wednesday was that I'd prayed for a chance to speak to other patients (this is rare because it's such a private situation people usually just talk to their partners and you have curtains around your little area making it very difficult anyway) and we got it, we got to speak to the couple who had been in for egg retrival on Monday with us.  We didn't get as far as talking about Jesus but I was able to reassure her and hopefully make her feel a little less nervous.

So now we just have to wait and see what happens.  A great opportunity to trust God and to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.  I want to press into God just as much in the upcoming weeks as I have done these past few days - more even.  This process forces me to remember the ultimate goal, which is not to have children but to be conformed into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29, Ephesians 1:5).  It is strange, you might think it would work in the opposite way, but God has really answered out prayer that our hope would be in Him, not in this process.  I started feeling dizzy last night so I went back to the ARU today to get checked out, they ruled out the really nasty stuff, did a few tests and think it is likely the high levels of progesterone now in my body.  Hopefully it will pass soon.  So I want to use this time, when I can do little other than sit really still, to get to know more of Him and I hope for any other women in my situation God might be revealling Himself to them also.

The day i've been dreading

Today I had the oocyte removal procedure as part of our IVF schedule.  I have not been looking forward to today at all.  Last time we did IVF I found the procedure extremely painful.  The sedation should have caused amnesia but I remembered everything.  I was understandably nervous about doing this again, plus I'm a total wuss anyway.  We only told a small group of friends about IVF this time, I think we got the balance just right, enough people so that we are well supported and well prayed for and that people get to give God glory for what he is doing but not so many that it adds to the pressure.  People have been good at not asking too many questions but clearly showing they care at the same time.  It has made the process much easier.  These people plus me and my husband were praying that today would go well and that I'd be calm - this was not a possible task in my own strength!  God, as always was so gracious to me.  I was able to be calm and relaxed throughout the procedure and it was fine.  They even let me have my ipod on so I listened to Shane and Shane, perfect music to relax to whilst at the same time keeping your attention on God.  We just have to wait and see what happens now but physically (I think) the worst bit is over.

IVF has begun...

So we started IVF last week.  We had postponed it by a month so that I could have time to prepare well, eat healthy, take exercise but most importantly get solidly grounded in Gods word so that we would go into the process knowing what God was speaking and being attentive to him.  Things never quite work out as you hope but in this case it is entirely down to me being so undisciplined and simply wasting the time.  Up until last weekend I was feeling pretty stressed, I was continuing in my usual routine, praying, reading the bible, talking about God but I was finding it so hard to connect with Him.  Fortunately for me God is gracious and he pursues me!  Thank you Lord!  Since then God has been speaking lots, maybe I'll blog about it if I get chance, the theme is always the same - He is my treasure - He is my great reward!  I am so thankful that he lets me glimpse Him - and I want him to be my pursuit and my focus over these next few weeks and beyond.  There will be times when this process is really hard and I know I literally wont be able to go on in my strength but I know my God is with me.

Sin

I was encouraged and challenged by the section on sin in this article on the joy of infertility . Encouraged because the Lord has highlighted many of these sins in my life as I have struggled with infertility and he has granted me repentance in many areas, so that I feel I am making progress and moving forward. Challenge because of this sin she identified:

Self-righteousness and pride: There I was, thinking I had it all together when the Lord opened my ears to what I was thinking! “Aren't I wonderful by bearing up under this suffering and struggle!” “Aren't I a great example for everyone else!” “Isn't it pathetic how people who've only been trying for six months are making such a fuss; they don't even know what it's like yet. Don't they trust God?” To me, this was almost the worst sin of the lot (not that you can grade sin), because I had started to judge my brothers and sisters, and think I was better than them.

Ouch! Though I don't want to admit it and though I want to down play the significance of it, I have heard some of those thoughts run through my mind. It is shameful to think I might have responded in this way at times.  Clearly I still have a long way to go in becoming like Jesus.

Lord forgive me my pride which is so deep rooted, affecting all parts of my life.  Please continue to expose it.  Please help me put it to death.  Please let me have the same mind as you. Phil 2:1-4

What not to say

I just read a really helpful article by a Christian lady entitled the joy of infertility.  I have included what I believe to be one of the most helpful sections: What not to say!

* “Don't worry; God will bless you with children soon.” There are no promises in Scripture that the Lord will give every woman a child—only that he will work everything for good in our lives (i.e. make us more like Christ).
* “I know someone who went overseas and then fell pregnant/moved to a new area and then fell pregnant”, and so on. Even if this is true, there is no guarantee that it will also happen to your friend. All you're offering is cold comfort.
* “Just stop thinking about it.” This is one of the most useless and sometimes hurtful things you can say. How do you suppose your friend can stop thinking about it? She may be able to for most of the time, but there's a forcible reminder every month! It's even worse if your friend is undergoing fertility treatments because there are reminders every other day via pills, injections, blood tests and so on.
* “Try not to get stressed.” It has been scientifically proven that stress is not a factor in falling pregnant, otherwise anyone having fertility treatment would never fall pregnant. (IVF is very stressful.)
* Don't expect that every time your friend talks about infertility, she wants to cry about it. Sometimes she might, but sometimes she's fine. The way your friend feels will be changing constantly. Try not to pre-empt her feelings; let her tell you what she's feeling this week. The Lord will be working in her through this experience, but even years down the track, bad days pop up.
* Don't quote Scripture at your friend. If she is a mature Christian, she already knows what the Lord is saying to her. If she is a young Christian for whom you're pastorally responsible, this may be another matter. But if you're, say, a mother with five children, perhaps you may not be the best person for this situation.

Other unhelpful comments include “Have you ever thought that the Lord might not want you to have children?” and “Look to Sarah's example”.

I can almost garantee that if you have struggled with infertility for any length of time some of those will resonate with you. I am grateful to the author of the article for articulating some of these things so well.

IVF

All being well I will start medication for a new cycle of IVF in around two weeks time. In all of the time we have been pursuing medical treatment only one IVF cycle has gone as far as embryo creation and transfer. Looking back it was tough but God was so good in it - he so evidently carried us through.
The first hurdle was making the decision to go through the process again. The next are all firmly in Gods hands. Hormone levels, responses, success in egg retreval, embryos forming, embryo replacement, sucessful implantation and pregnancy. But there is always the temptation so try to take control (though any control is really an illusion!) I am going to try to eat healthy, take exercise, reduce stress but I want to do those things to the glory of God knowing that he is in control.