What not to say

I just read a really helpful article by a Christian lady entitled the joy of infertility.  I have included what I believe to be one of the most helpful sections: What not to say!

* “Don't worry; God will bless you with children soon.” There are no promises in Scripture that the Lord will give every woman a child—only that he will work everything for good in our lives (i.e. make us more like Christ).
* “I know someone who went overseas and then fell pregnant/moved to a new area and then fell pregnant”, and so on. Even if this is true, there is no guarantee that it will also happen to your friend. All you're offering is cold comfort.
* “Just stop thinking about it.” This is one of the most useless and sometimes hurtful things you can say. How do you suppose your friend can stop thinking about it? She may be able to for most of the time, but there's a forcible reminder every month! It's even worse if your friend is undergoing fertility treatments because there are reminders every other day via pills, injections, blood tests and so on.
* “Try not to get stressed.” It has been scientifically proven that stress is not a factor in falling pregnant, otherwise anyone having fertility treatment would never fall pregnant. (IVF is very stressful.)
* Don't expect that every time your friend talks about infertility, she wants to cry about it. Sometimes she might, but sometimes she's fine. The way your friend feels will be changing constantly. Try not to pre-empt her feelings; let her tell you what she's feeling this week. The Lord will be working in her through this experience, but even years down the track, bad days pop up.
* Don't quote Scripture at your friend. If she is a mature Christian, she already knows what the Lord is saying to her. If she is a young Christian for whom you're pastorally responsible, this may be another matter. But if you're, say, a mother with five children, perhaps you may not be the best person for this situation.

Other unhelpful comments include “Have you ever thought that the Lord might not want you to have children?” and “Look to Sarah's example”.

I can almost garantee that if you have struggled with infertility for any length of time some of those will resonate with you. I am grateful to the author of the article for articulating some of these things so well.