I've been thinking for the past couple of days, I've been thinking again about how much of this we share with friends and/or family. Near the start of this whole experience we felt it was right to be open about things.
In the bible I read about the church enjoying real deep fellowship, sharing their very lives. I read about how we are to carry one anothers burdens, how can we do that if we don't share our burdens? If I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ I can't do that apart from real authentic Christian community. It was this community that attracted so many to the early church. But real community is hard. It is hard because it means we have to make ourselves vulnerable, we have to open ourselves up to potential pain, we also bear the pain of others. It is scary to be fully known by others. But it also opens us up to learning more about God, to wonderful friendship and fellowship, encouragement and strengthening, support... I could go on. In 'the gospel in life' (which I highly recommend) chapter 4 Tim Keller makes a great case and states "You cannot know God fully apart from community". I do agree. So do I really have a choice? Can I really keep all this, my greatest struggle just between me and my husband? I think I have to ask the question "Why do I want to?"
"If you want to be changed by the gospel you have got to share life together" Timothy Keller
We started by making the decision that if someone asked us if we were trying to have kids we'd tell the truth, but we wouldn't broadcast it.
After nothing happend after a few months we shared with some Christans we were close to so they could be praying for us.
After 6 months I told my mum - that was awkward to bring up, but she had faced infertility herself and was told she would never have children (I am a miracle and so is my brother) so I knew she'd want to be praying for us.
As the months passed the circle widened as friends would ask and we'd tell them the truth. (Some great frindships were started or deepened by my willingness to be open in this and I had some great, real conversations with strangers - its suprising what people share when they see you be willing to be vulnerable first)
We felt it was important that in the whole situation God get the glory and we figured he'd get more if more people knew how he was at work in us (and the miracle he'd done if he answered our prayers).
We kept our life group and a few christian friends up to date with our treatments as they progressed and they prayed for us. It wasn't that hard to share because a lot of the time it was just information, detatched in a way from the intense emotion. God graciously gave the strength to share and it wasn't that hard.
When we began the process of IVF two years ago we shared with a few and after a false start and an abandoned cycle we pretty much had our whole Christian community praying for us throughout the treatment. We made sure they knew that our hope was not in the procedure but in God who could choose to use a procedure or not. The attempt failed but my husband and I were not crushed, the whole thing should have been impossibly hard - but it wasn't. The doctors seemed suprised at how well we dealt with it, and we weren't simply in denial, we were sad, dissapointed, still longing for children, but not crushed. I have no doubt that the prayers of the saints played a huge part in that.
... but afterwards it seemed worse because all of those people had to experience the dissapointment too, and in my weaker times I can't face the questions about it. I love the idea that when God answers, only we will know and we get the joy of sharing that information with just a couple at a time, not as an automatic response two weeks after embryo transfer.
God is walking me out of a difficult few (quite a few!) months in my relationship with him, in the middle of that time was the loss of some frozen embryos and another false start and another abandoned cycle of IVF. I hadn't felt up to sharing the last time, we told a very small number at the last minute and kept the information minimal. We didn't do that after much prayer as we had in the past but as a gut response out of my weakness. I experienced the difference, the experience was difficult and cold. Human logic told me it would be easier if I didn't share, but godly wisdom says otherwise.
I guess I am answering my own question here, I am a real verbal proceessor (or a blogging one) but It seems I am so clearly reminded again that my life is actually not about me, it is about Jesus and his glory. I live in community and pursue it because God says to and he knows what he's talking about. Real community is not easy but it has to be worth it. I want to be changed by the gospel, I want to be sanctified, I want to know more of God. I have to be willing to build real deep community - that's hard, it's messy, but the alternative is settling for less than God's plan for me as a disciple. So sharing is hard, way harder now than it ever was before but I have just resolved that I am going to do it. Maybe the sharing is for our benefit, or for the benefit of others or the community as a whole, I'm sure it is for all those reasons. Jesus help me be willing to put others first and to grow in humility - especially in this area!
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