New year can be hard

Sometimes a new year can bring new hope, a fresh start, 'this year things will change/improve'.  For couples suffering infertility a new year can also be hard, another year has past and the heart ache has only grown as the desire to be parents stilll isn't realised.  Going into this new year God reminded me of something he said to me close to the start of this experience and again about 3 years in,

"I am your sun and shield, your very great reward"

God is my reward, He is my treasure, he is what I am to desire above all else and He alone can satisfy.  The bible speaks of children being a reward in Psalm 127, but God reminded me again that he is more than enough reward for me.  I have come to realise these past few years that the gospel is this - we get God!  Amazing.

I needed that reminder because the past few months of last year were hard, I haven't been seeking God as I need to in this and have felt the consequence of that.  I do find new year hard, we are caused to reflect on the year past which for us seems marked by pain and failure and we are faced with the same difficult decision that we have for the past two years before: What do we do next?  Do we go for another IVF attempt, do we look into adoption, do we simply wait?  But this year feels different, this is the first year I have felt able to say to God that I'm happy with his time, that if he doesn't answer this year, as hard as it will be, thats OK, because He can be trusted, he cares more about our good than we do.  And that is nothing of me because I have been struggling loads, but a gift from Him, a measure of peace about it.

I know God can be trusted and this year more than anything I need to actually trust him!