They that wait on the LORD - will be amazed!

The picture tells the story of the past few weeks but just to fill you in...

Two weeks last Wednesday was the end of our two week wait.  I had felt pretty rough on the Monday, usual pre menstual symptoms and experienced a fair bit of pain on the Tuesday, even took pain killers so I was pretty convinced that the IVF had been unsucessful, though I'd been pretty hopeful before that.  I got up on the Wednesday and did the test anyway since the hospital ask you to even if you begin to bleed.  I watched the pink woosh across and form the line as usual... then a second line started to appear!  Very faint at first, I got the instructions back out of the bin, the picture showed even a faint line was a positive!  I shouted my husband and said 'I think there might be two lines!'  We couldn't believe it so he went out and bought two new tests - both positive!!!

We have spent so long imagining that moment we could hardly believe it!  Praise God!

Now another two week wait for a scan to check that everything is progressing as it should be.

Mothers day

Mothers day in the UK was a while ago but I understand it is this Sunday in the USA.  This is a great gospel centred article on Mothers day.  Mothers day can be tough, not just for infertile women but for single women who long for a family too, this is a great way to look at our situations and I can testify that what Wendy describes has been the same lesson the Lord has taught... and is still teaching me.

Spurgeon: What is this very great reward?

A sermon by C H Spurgeon on Gen 15:1

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

We are now in a period of waiting to see if the whole IVF procedure has been successful, or rather whether God has chosen to use this to create and sustain life.  On Wednesday we had two grade B embryos transferred, we left the remaining 3 embryos in culture in an attemt to let them reach the blastocyte stage so they had more chance of survival when frozen.  We found out this morning that those three embryos didn't make it.  The quality of the embryos is similar but slightly less than those transferred last time but we feel much more hopeful.  On transfer day I didn't feel nervous at all, just excited and it was amazing to see our embryos on the microscope screen before transfer.  The best bit about Wednesday was that I'd prayed for a chance to speak to other patients (this is rare because it's such a private situation people usually just talk to their partners and you have curtains around your little area making it very difficult anyway) and we got it, we got to speak to the couple who had been in for egg retrival on Monday with us.  We didn't get as far as talking about Jesus but I was able to reassure her and hopefully make her feel a little less nervous.

So now we just have to wait and see what happens.  A great opportunity to trust God and to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.  I want to press into God just as much in the upcoming weeks as I have done these past few days - more even.  This process forces me to remember the ultimate goal, which is not to have children but to be conformed into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29, Ephesians 1:5).  It is strange, you might think it would work in the opposite way, but God has really answered out prayer that our hope would be in Him, not in this process.  I started feeling dizzy last night so I went back to the ARU today to get checked out, they ruled out the really nasty stuff, did a few tests and think it is likely the high levels of progesterone now in my body.  Hopefully it will pass soon.  So I want to use this time, when I can do little other than sit really still, to get to know more of Him and I hope for any other women in my situation God might be revealling Himself to them also.

The day i've been dreading

Today I had the oocyte removal procedure as part of our IVF schedule.  I have not been looking forward to today at all.  Last time we did IVF I found the procedure extremely painful.  The sedation should have caused amnesia but I remembered everything.  I was understandably nervous about doing this again, plus I'm a total wuss anyway.  We only told a small group of friends about IVF this time, I think we got the balance just right, enough people so that we are well supported and well prayed for and that people get to give God glory for what he is doing but not so many that it adds to the pressure.  People have been good at not asking too many questions but clearly showing they care at the same time.  It has made the process much easier.  These people plus me and my husband were praying that today would go well and that I'd be calm - this was not a possible task in my own strength!  God, as always was so gracious to me.  I was able to be calm and relaxed throughout the procedure and it was fine.  They even let me have my ipod on so I listened to Shane and Shane, perfect music to relax to whilst at the same time keeping your attention on God.  We just have to wait and see what happens now but physically (I think) the worst bit is over.

IVF has begun...

So we started IVF last week.  We had postponed it by a month so that I could have time to prepare well, eat healthy, take exercise but most importantly get solidly grounded in Gods word so that we would go into the process knowing what God was speaking and being attentive to him.  Things never quite work out as you hope but in this case it is entirely down to me being so undisciplined and simply wasting the time.  Up until last weekend I was feeling pretty stressed, I was continuing in my usual routine, praying, reading the bible, talking about God but I was finding it so hard to connect with Him.  Fortunately for me God is gracious and he pursues me!  Thank you Lord!  Since then God has been speaking lots, maybe I'll blog about it if I get chance, the theme is always the same - He is my treasure - He is my great reward!  I am so thankful that he lets me glimpse Him - and I want him to be my pursuit and my focus over these next few weeks and beyond.  There will be times when this process is really hard and I know I literally wont be able to go on in my strength but I know my God is with me.

Sin

I was encouraged and challenged by the section on sin in this article on the joy of infertility . Encouraged because the Lord has highlighted many of these sins in my life as I have struggled with infertility and he has granted me repentance in many areas, so that I feel I am making progress and moving forward. Challenge because of this sin she identified:

Self-righteousness and pride: There I was, thinking I had it all together when the Lord opened my ears to what I was thinking! “Aren't I wonderful by bearing up under this suffering and struggle!” “Aren't I a great example for everyone else!” “Isn't it pathetic how people who've only been trying for six months are making such a fuss; they don't even know what it's like yet. Don't they trust God?” To me, this was almost the worst sin of the lot (not that you can grade sin), because I had started to judge my brothers and sisters, and think I was better than them.

Ouch! Though I don't want to admit it and though I want to down play the significance of it, I have heard some of those thoughts run through my mind. It is shameful to think I might have responded in this way at times.  Clearly I still have a long way to go in becoming like Jesus.

Lord forgive me my pride which is so deep rooted, affecting all parts of my life.  Please continue to expose it.  Please help me put it to death.  Please let me have the same mind as you. Phil 2:1-4