Sin

I was encouraged and challenged by the section on sin in this article on the joy of infertility . Encouraged because the Lord has highlighted many of these sins in my life as I have struggled with infertility and he has granted me repentance in many areas, so that I feel I am making progress and moving forward. Challenge because of this sin she identified:

Self-righteousness and pride: There I was, thinking I had it all together when the Lord opened my ears to what I was thinking! “Aren't I wonderful by bearing up under this suffering and struggle!” “Aren't I a great example for everyone else!” “Isn't it pathetic how people who've only been trying for six months are making such a fuss; they don't even know what it's like yet. Don't they trust God?” To me, this was almost the worst sin of the lot (not that you can grade sin), because I had started to judge my brothers and sisters, and think I was better than them.

Ouch! Though I don't want to admit it and though I want to down play the significance of it, I have heard some of those thoughts run through my mind. It is shameful to think I might have responded in this way at times.  Clearly I still have a long way to go in becoming like Jesus.

Lord forgive me my pride which is so deep rooted, affecting all parts of my life.  Please continue to expose it.  Please help me put it to death.  Please let me have the same mind as you. Phil 2:1-4

What not to say

I just read a really helpful article by a Christian lady entitled the joy of infertility.  I have included what I believe to be one of the most helpful sections: What not to say!

* “Don't worry; God will bless you with children soon.” There are no promises in Scripture that the Lord will give every woman a child—only that he will work everything for good in our lives (i.e. make us more like Christ).
* “I know someone who went overseas and then fell pregnant/moved to a new area and then fell pregnant”, and so on. Even if this is true, there is no guarantee that it will also happen to your friend. All you're offering is cold comfort.
* “Just stop thinking about it.” This is one of the most useless and sometimes hurtful things you can say. How do you suppose your friend can stop thinking about it? She may be able to for most of the time, but there's a forcible reminder every month! It's even worse if your friend is undergoing fertility treatments because there are reminders every other day via pills, injections, blood tests and so on.
* “Try not to get stressed.” It has been scientifically proven that stress is not a factor in falling pregnant, otherwise anyone having fertility treatment would never fall pregnant. (IVF is very stressful.)
* Don't expect that every time your friend talks about infertility, she wants to cry about it. Sometimes she might, but sometimes she's fine. The way your friend feels will be changing constantly. Try not to pre-empt her feelings; let her tell you what she's feeling this week. The Lord will be working in her through this experience, but even years down the track, bad days pop up.
* Don't quote Scripture at your friend. If she is a mature Christian, she already knows what the Lord is saying to her. If she is a young Christian for whom you're pastorally responsible, this may be another matter. But if you're, say, a mother with five children, perhaps you may not be the best person for this situation.

Other unhelpful comments include “Have you ever thought that the Lord might not want you to have children?” and “Look to Sarah's example”.

I can almost garantee that if you have struggled with infertility for any length of time some of those will resonate with you. I am grateful to the author of the article for articulating some of these things so well.

IVF

All being well I will start medication for a new cycle of IVF in around two weeks time. In all of the time we have been pursuing medical treatment only one IVF cycle has gone as far as embryo creation and transfer. Looking back it was tough but God was so good in it - he so evidently carried us through.
The first hurdle was making the decision to go through the process again. The next are all firmly in Gods hands. Hormone levels, responses, success in egg retreval, embryos forming, embryo replacement, sucessful implantation and pregnancy. But there is always the temptation so try to take control (though any control is really an illusion!) I am going to try to eat healthy, take exercise, reduce stress but I want to do those things to the glory of God knowing that he is in control.

Dangerous distractions

I'm afraid I have been too busy the last couple of weeks to really blog.

What is too busy?

I realised that I have allowed myself to fill up my time to the point that I am not stopping to give God time to really speak, to meditate on his word and let it sink in. I can tell because I don't feel as relaxed, I haven't slept as well. My attitude is different, it is more self absorbed. Pride is big. Sure I am still reading my bible, I am still praying, though admitedly not for as long as I'd like. The majority of the activities I fill up my time with are Christian, bible study, church leaders meeting, church youth group, church meeting, church, church again. Even the social events I attended were with the purpose of building relationships in order to share the gospel, a night out with some colegues from my new job, meeting up with a friend I have been sharing the gospel with, an exercise class with a friend from another church. All those things are great, and good, but none of them is as good as God! That is obvious right? Then why do I allow these things to distract me from the one who I claim to be living for?!

Lord be THE priority in my life. Please save me from filling my time and missing you! Lord don't let me seek you as a means to an end but be the end!
Please grant me repentance and restore to me the joy of abiding in you.

The lens of infertility

Some visitors to this blog may be wondering why so few of the posts seem to actually be about infertility since I set this up to both process my own thoughts and to share my experiences in the hope that I might be able to help others in my situation or those with friends suffering infertility. I guess my answer would be that all of those posts have in some way been influenced by our infertility. It's like when you are thinking of buying a new car, say a blue Ford, there seems to be way more blue Fords on the road than before, you hear more people talking about blue Fords, in reality, things are the same as they were before, it's just you notice more blue Fords because they are on your mind. It's the same way with infertility. It seems like EVERYONE around you is pregnant for starters (I'm in a lull at the moment after the past 3 years of most of my friends having their children *I take that back, I realised I have 5 currently pregnant friends!*) and dealing with that is another post. But it's more than that, it seems that lots of the teaching I hear, what I read all speaks to me about our situation, not least my understanding of God and how it has grown over the past five years. I've called this post the lens of infertility because at first it felt like everything was coloured by that, but I'd like to think that those lenses have been replaced by gospel lenses. I don't view the gospel through my infertility, rather I view infertility (and the rest of life) through the lens of the gospel. Without gospel lenses I can't see clearly and any other lenses only further distort reality. The closer I get to Jesus, the more time I spend in the word the clearer that lens becomes. Thank you Jesus for enabling me to see more clearly.

God or children

I was reading in my one year bible today about Eli the priest and his two dodgy sons

1 Samuel 3:11- 14
"And the LORD said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears about it tingle. At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family—from beginning to end. For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons blasphemed God, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’”

OUCH! Full on stuff - why is this so serious? I think it is because Eli put the desires of his sons over what God had said. How can he say that God comes first when he is standing idly by when his sons dishonour Him.
Some might say that it was because Eli loved his sons too much, I'd suggest he loved both them and God too little and himself too much.
Far too often I see situations play out in the lives of people around me where God comes second place to children, with detrimental effect to all involved. This can be true of infertile people too, the desire for children can, if we allow it, become bigger than our desire for God.

The best thing any parent can do for their children is to put God first. I hope I remember that if God chooses to bless us with children.

Ultimate reality

An Excerpt from CS Lewis 'Mere Christianity'

"All sorts of people are fond of repeating the Christian statement that 'God is love.' But they seem not to notice that the words 'God is love' have no real meaning unless God contains at least two Persons. Love is something that one person has for another person. If God was a single person, then before the world was made, He was not love. Of course, what these people mean when they say that God is love is often something quite different: they really mean 'Love is God.' They really mean that our feelings of love, however and wherever they arise, and whatever results they produce, are to be treated with great respect. Perhaps they are: but that is something quite different from what Christians mean by the statement 'God is love.' They believe that the living, dynamic activity of love has been going on in God forever and has created everything else.

And that, by the way, is perhaps the most important difference between Christian and all other religions: that in Christianity God is not a static thing - not even a person - but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance."

I read that quote (or at least part of it) in Timothy Keller's new book 'Kings Cross' (which is excellent!) I love the picture it paints of ultimate reality. Reality is all about God - and I'm invited in, to be part of that reality!

He goes on to say "And now, what does it all matter? It matters more than anything else in the world. The whole dance, or drama, or pattern of this three-Personal life is to be played out in each one of us: or (putting it the other way round) each one of us has got to enter that pattern, take his place in that dance. There is no other way to the happiness for which we were made."

I want to be part of that dance!

What is God like?

This question has come up a lot around me recently. Christians making statements like 'I just couldn't believe in a God that ...', Rob Bell suggesting (through his questions!) that a God that would condemn people to hell can't be good, a local church leader making liberal views of the bible which make God out to be someone who simply pats us on the back as long as we are happy and aren't hurting anyone (that may be an over simplification of the point), a friend was asking the provocative questions at a coffee bar today 'aren't all religions the same?', 'don't religions just have part of the truth?' 'can anyone really know what God is like... and does it really matter?'

Yes we can know God!
Not because we can work him out cleverly but because he has revealed himself to us! Not least in the person and work of Jesus.

Yes it matters
Our view of God really does matter. If we don't believe God has wrath for sin we won't understand the cross and we won't understand grace. We won't understand why the gospel is such good news. If we don't recognise God as sovereign then we will be consumed with worry over those things we can't control, second guessing our actions and playing out all alternatives in our mind in an attempt to have some illusion of control. If we don't believe God is good, we will view suffering as a waste at best. There are a ton of examples but you get the idea...

Some people think that thinking/reason and faith are antithetical. Tim Keller suggests that far from being in opposition faith will inspire thinking and reason can lead to a deepening of faith. Crisis of faith and doubts do not come about through too much thinking... but a lack of thinking. We don't need to be afraid as Christians to question our ideas about God when we come to the bible. We need our ideas to be shaped by God as he reveals himself. As I have said in a previous post, the true God is far better than any idea I can come up with about him. Knowing that I press on to know him more!