Where hope is found.

My blog was originally called 'Where hope is found' I started writing at a very difficult time in my life and I knew that hope, real hope could be found no where else but in Jesus. My need was not to have a baby, therefore my ultimate hope was not simply to become a mother. My need was, and still is, to know more of God and become more like Jesus.

It's funny how now as a mother of 14 month old twins I find myself having to be reminded of the same lessons that I learned during those six years of infertility. It's the times when we feel hard pressed that I find we either drift or press into The Lord and I hope that I can do the latter. I am struggling now. Of course outwardly it is very different than before but the reality is the same as before. The question is this "do I really know and believe that God is truly good and does good?" Do I really trust what Romans 8 tells me?

If I had to sum up the past 14 months in one word it would be this: hard. It has been incredibly hard. It has got easier and now feels manageable but there were times (long periods of time) when I felt overwhelmed and didn't know how I could keep going (mostly due to the severe sleep deprivation!). Some of those old questions about the goodness of Gods plan have been revealed again in me over the past couple of weeks since some of my friends have had babies. I am so happy for them but spending time around them and seeing them able to enjoy those early weeks has actually been really hard. I know that this is simply evidence of the pride and self centredness in my own heart. I have felt a mixture of jealousy and guilt. Guilt that I feel jealous! God has been so gracious to me, how could I even for a second think his gifts to me aren't the best!

I am grateful that God is revealing my heart to me and I pray that he will change it. Working things like this through with him is so much harder now than during infertility. I never would have imagined that but it is most certainly the case. the times with the Lord that would really impact on my life were those times when I would withdraw, just him and me, devoting time to just sit in his presence. That now seems impossible but thank God that he still speaks in all circumstance regardless of me! It's a good job he gave me those six years as I definitely would not have been prepared for this without them.

The gospel is the answer to my current struggles just as it was the answer when I so desperately wanted to be a mother. Thank you Lord for your gospel of grace, please help me show grace to others.